” Enlightenment is intimacy with all things.”
~Dogen Zenji
I found myself smiling from ear to ear a few nights ago as ElkFeather and I caught up over a little chat on Facebook. He was all aglow about someone new he met recently and had shared a few sleepovers with. He seemed a little hesitant to tell me about her at first, but when I reacted with a “Squeeee! That’s so awesome!” he started sharing more details with enthusiasm And now, it’s so cute, I see little signs of NRE in their interactions on Facebook on his posts.
Gawd, I love compersion.
I feel really appreciative that compersion is something that is becoming easier and easier for me to feel. That this strange ‘muscle’ in my brain whose responsibility it is to work the alchemy of emotions is growing stronger. Less and less do I find myself falling into a mental whirlpool of fear-based thinking. There’s this beautiful symphony of feel good chemicals that get triggered now when I hear about, or witness, people I love (and sometimes, even people I don’t know), experiencing joy.
A few weeks ago I went to a big party with both Orion and ElkFeather. Totally independent of me, and thanks to the wonders of social media, they’ve been developing a friendship. When Orion arrived on the dance floor and gave ElkFeather a big hug, all I could think was, “How the heck did I find such amazing beings as part of my life? This is rad.” There were some great moments shared with each of them one on one, and with all three of us hanging out together at different moments in the party. I laughed so much, and felt so much joy just being in the loving and (at times) intimate presence of two men whom I trust completely and wholeheartedly. I was high on the oxytocin, seratonin, and a whole host of other happy hormones. I felt incredibly loved, and my sense of Self felt expanded by how much love I was able to share and express that night.
It was Orion who pointed out to me the other day that I seek unconditional love within this world where we are taught that love has to be conditional.
At my core, I want to develop intimacy. And intimacy can take many forms. Sometimes it takes the full naked sensual explosive intimacy to wake you up to it. Sometimes, intimacy grows gently over time. Ultimately, it is a sense of intimacy that brings me joy.
My desires for sex most often stem from a deeper desire for intimacy. And sex without that emotional and ‘spiritual’ intimacy is boring for me. But, intimacy without sex can still be exciting. I crave cuddles, kisses, touch, laughter, words. I crave intimacy that is that heart-to heart connection, breathing in the same space mentally, physically, emotionally with another being.
I have found that the stronger my relationship with myself becomes, the more I crave intimacy over just physical gratification.
In fact, I don’t think I can make a physically intimate connection without the emotional and intellectual intimacy hand in hand.
I’ve had a number of physically intimate encounters in the last few months. Almost all of them amazingly positive, and it has helped me to see this: that it is absolutely imposible for me to enjoy sex without that intimate connection, without that letting down of the masks. As I write this, the last person I had sex with was a guy I barely knew- but yet, we had had a connection previously. I met him originally at Orion’s birthday party several months ago. and then he turned up at a party that Kiki (Loki’s wife) organized. Small world. I recognized him, we got into conversation, found some rather interesting things in common between us, had some fun flirting, and then as the orgy started up in one corner of the main room, we disappeared to somewhere more private. It was great. He shared with me stuff about himself he said he doesn’t normally share with anyone- and we had a really good conversation after. He even drove me home from the party. He was a total gentleman. I like that.
It was a good experience to have as I move into a season of increased polysexuality for myself. Maintaining the existing loving connections I have, whilst still, ethically, with open communication, full knowledge, and sex-positivity, engage in fun sexy times with others. They may be one offs. They may be more in depth explorations. I’m unattached to any expectations of that.
But- when I make love, I want to be able to make love physically, emotionally, intellectually. Stimulating conversation turns me on just as much as the soft stroke of a lover’s nails down my arm, just as much as revealing deeply personal feelings and sharing with one another what we are passionate about in our life. That seems to me to be the only way that sex isn’t draining. And finding a way to have sex without feeling drained by it is rather important to me. I really do want to develop a sense of intimacy with all things. Whether I develop that through sex, friendship, conversation, touch, or even just empathy from a distance, this seems to be a rather significant part of my journey.
