October has been the month of festivities here, from where I am writing right now. I have been caught up in frenzied action, not quite sure how much of it was actually required for my being. I planned to not take leave during the festivities and only availed public holidays to enjoy my time with friends and family. Yet, my plate is brimeth over! There were festivals, family time, your own personal time, yoga classes, walking circuits, pending work (argh!), travel plans, teaching plans, and then there are things that get added on a daily basis.
My plate is full. My plate is actually spilling over. Wait, it’s all over, all messed up!
Sometimes, I tell myself ‘just go with the flow and it will balance it out’. Sometimes, while reflecting before my bedtime I tell myself ‘may be its better to prioritize and not to add more things on the list’. Yet, I am not quite sure what should be the ‘right’ modus operandi.
I like to be normal and NOT work like a robot with an instruction guide. I want to feel, I want to enjoy, I want to breathe easy. Yes, I want to go with the flow and not stress about things in life. If things are to happen they will happen with whatever little work I am doing. I do not want to over-work and end up being a burn out. I am being very aware about my threshold, my own ‘sweet’ limits. And I want to work within that being my normal self. My bottom line is very simple – whatever I get to do I should be able to do it mindfully, I should be able to engage myself, be present and feel happy about that engagement. In life, you do not need to do more, often we make this mistake of running like a horse and end up being nowhere. While we are at it, it feels we are doing great, there’s certain trill in ‘running’ but often we forget there is a certain depth and joy in ‘walking’, in slowing down, in reflecting and being present. It’s an illusion and often we don’t want to see through it. But the moment we get aware and see through the maze or the haze, there is that bewitching smile on your face realizing what a fool we are making out of us. And sitting in the garden it’s such a joy to watch that flower bloom in front of your eyes :-)
Wait, I am not at all saying not to work and just to sit still and laugh at the world around you! No! I am just saying, it becomes a totally different ball game if we reflect a bit and see through our actions and that vicious circle we often don’t wish to break and remain in that ‘comfort zone’.
These days, I often try to see what all I need to do in life. I mean, there are things I am responsible for, there are things I cannot postpone, there are stuffs I love to do, there are activities that bring me immense joy, and then there are stuff I need not to do. End of the day, you can only do some and not do everything! End of the day, you can only do stuff to make yourself happy and not please everyone. Often we forget that and get into that rut of feeling miserable, being unhappy and constantly getting entangled with stuff not necessary.
Do I make sense?
I was very overwhelmed this weekend, trying to navigate through different things. I could see my proverbial ‘plate’ being overloaded and I was ‘brimming over’ as well. This evening, I sat still and tried to see through things so that I don’t blame it on the hormones or the current situation or the frustration due to delay in getting that visa, or that certain someone ignored me or that friend did not visit me during Diwali. To ride over all these waves and counter waves, I tried to do Vipassna and meditate a bit. Though I was not able to sit through long but it helped me calm down, helped me see through my actions, balancing my expectations and not ‘run’ through making judgements and decisions. It helped me sorting out topics for group work I will discuss tomorrow in the class. I ended up writing this piece to wipe clear my thoughts before I sleep tonight so that there can be a clear beginning tomorrow morning!
However much you know, however much you are aware, end of it you are just a human being, and no one is perfect. We ‘do’ things what we would not want to do at the first place. We ‘think’ things which we would not like to think in the first place. We ‘feel’ emotions which we would not like harbor in us. But such contemplations make us ‘see’ through things and help correct our course of actions and break that chain of thoughts. Such reflective moments work like cleansers and help us with clear vision, however momentary that may be!
End of the day, you can only choose to be honest with yourself and do what you feel right! Let the joy be with you always! Loads of Metta and Love to everyone :-)
