Humor Magazine

If Straight Guys Named the Colors in the J. Crew Catalog

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

When it comes to the creative naming of colors, gay men and the J. Crew catalog have got it on lock. Have you ever read a J. Crew catalog? Their sweater shades are not simply “red,” “green,” or “yellow.” Beige is “Carribean Sand.” Navy blue is “Night Shadow,” and so on.

I once worked at a beachside restaurant where half the waiters were gay. One guy conducted an experiment and asked the male employees what color the sunset was. The gay men were quite imaginative in their responses. “It’s like a persimmony-blush,” said one guy. “I’d call it burnt sienna with swirls of coral,” said another.

Without fail, all of the straight dudes had the same response: “Orange.” BOR-ing!

But I have faith in my hetero brothers. So we challenged the straight male staffers here at LAP to pretend they worked for J. Crew and think up some innovative monikers for various shades of apparel.

This is what they came up with:


brown dress

Come on, guys. We said be creative. Yes, we get it, poo is brown. However, while there is no actual market research to prove it, common sense would dictate that the great majority of women would simply not buy a dress called Shit. Try again.

“Baby Shit”

green dress

Well, it is a bit more descriptive, and actually, quite accurate. This could potentially be a thing. For the working woman who just doesn’t have time to clean up when their child has explosive diarrhea in the morning. With this comfy frock in Baby Shit, your tot’s turds just blend right in.

“Engorged Phallus”

purple dress

*Sigh*. Must it always come back to the penis? Okay, here’s the thing. Yes, the dress is purple and when dude junk becomes aroused it turns kinda purplish. But not this purple. Guys, if your johnson takes on the color of an aubergine, I recommend you see a physician immediately. On the other hand, vulgarity notwithstanding, I do know a number of single women who might not mind being wrapped in Engorged Phallus. Actually, some married ones, too.

“Advanced Stage Gangrene”

black dress

Jesus. Have you guys been watching Darren Aronofsky films again? Nevertheless, I do give points for originality and I think we can safely say this description has never once made it into the J. Crew catalog.

“Crimson Tide”

red dress

Initially, we thought the guys were making excellent progress. Crimson is in fact a fancified way to describe red! Then we realized Crimson Tide was the name of a college football team. Plagiarism never wins, fellas. And incidentally, we ladies are forced to ride the crimson tide for four days out of the month, and during that time we pretty much want to rip our uteruses out of our bodies and throw them at you. In other words, references to Aunt Flo are unwise.

“Strip Club Scrotum”

blue dress

Oh, ha-ha, I get it. Blue balls. For the life of me, I’ve never understood the point of strip clubs. Why pay somebody top dollar to get you all hot and bothered and then send you home with a scorching boner? Sounds a bit masochistic to me. And why would a woman want to wear anything called scrotum – blue or otherwise? Men, I know your sperm sacs serve an essential purpose, but they ain’t exactly the prettiest things on the planet.


Sorry, straight guys, I’m afraid a career at J. Crew is just not in the cards for you. But don’t you worry your pretty little heads. Just focus on your many other talents, like plumbing, investigating ooky sounds in the middle of the night and making asses of yourselves at sporting events.

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