As of yesterday at 5pm, I completed my first semester of graduate school. I don’t have my grades back (though I’m pretty sure I have an A or A- in everything), but the fact that I didn’t totally break down and stop attending classes is a huge improvement over the last time I attempted to pursue graduate studies.
I’m not sure which is more amazing: the fact that I made it through a semester of graduate school sanity intact – or the fact that five months after discharging from treatment I am STILL IN RECOVERY. Five months out from my last stay in treatment, I was already well into relapse and had undone all the work I had put in over four months of inpatient and residential treatment.
As of Tuesday’s dietary appointment, I have maintained my weight for a month. It’s still a bit below the weight I left treatment at, but my dietitian isn’t terribly concerned because I am regularly eating [at least] three meals and three snacks and my eating disorder thoughts and urges have been fairly low. And if we’re being honest, the number of calories I eat every day is sort of absurd. So we’re not sure if this is my new set point or what, but I’m not losing, so YAY!
Body image is utterly crappy most of the time. I’m sort of back to the early days of weight restoration when I cannot even catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror while changing, lest I be distracted for the rest of the day by how overweight/pregnant/obese/whatever I look. I am in and out of the shower in less time than it takes two songs to play on my ipod because I aim to minimize the amount of time I am unclothed.
That said, I have only acted on eating disorder urges perhaps twice in the past three weeks. Probably around the time of my last self-harm incident (and concurrent total breakdown), I was the given the choice to step up my game or find a therapist here in town. So I decided to step up my game. Three meals and three snacks is not even a question anymore. It doesn’t matter how miserable I am, how fat I feel, how “busy” I might be — I’m eating my meals and snacks, damn it.
There is so much else to say. But fear not — I’ve got five weeks off from school so there’s plenty of time to write.
For now, I’m going to get some cleaning done for the end-of-the-semester shindig that’s happening at my place this week. :)
