Humor Magazine

I Really Gotta Start Paying More Attention

By Pearl

My book "The Second Book of Pearl:  The Cats" became available yesterday.  Why not buy a couple?!  Tales of mystery, of cats with dental problems and gambling addictions, tales of love, hope, and gin and tonics.  And cheap?!  So cheap!  Eight American dollars buys you a bit of real estate just inside my head.  Join me in my head, won't you?   Where it's all warm and comfy?  See the PayPal link to the right, there, or send me an e-mail and we'll get you a book. 
(And yes, I said “seven American dollars” yesterday but then realized that after printing and mailing it left me with 38 cents. Ha!  Stay in school, kids!)  

Steph has been researching vacuums. The Dyson, to be precise.
“I could get the DC25 Animal with the extra attachment. I don’t need the animal-hair-removal attachment, really, but it’s $50 extra at every place I go except for Sears, where it’s $7 less than the one without the attachment. Isn't that weird? I just don’t get it.”
Steph takes a breath. I take another drink.
I am listening intently. It may be the three Fox Barrels talking, or more accurately it’s probably the former court reporter in me, but I’m wondering if, with a little focus, Steph could challenge the existing speech-speed record.
Visions of Steph on the Bonneville Salt Flats attempting the land-speech record make me smile. She’s quite slender, I think to myself, and would look awesome in a one-piece zip-up, holding a helmet and flashing those straight white teeth at the camera...

“I mean, it’s not like I need the attachment on the Animal, but why not, if it’s going to cost basically the same, you know what I mean?”
Steph refills her wine glass from the box in the fridge and on the way back to the table begins a discourse on the weight of the available models. She wonders if I, as a Dyson owner, have had trouble with the weight and maneuverability of the machine. Raised with a canister Electrolux with the aerodynamics of a bison, I shrug, smile, and take another drink.
My mind drifts as she speaks to the parts and warranty aspects of the machine.
I wonder semi-drunkenly if I should try this myself, approaching the physical world with a little more scrutiny, a little more analysis.
I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and am immediately struck with an example of Things I Should Be Paying Attention To But Don’t.
Let me preface this by saying that the bathroom at Kathy’s house is one with which I am quite familiar. Parties on the deck in the summer, cribbage at the dining room table in the winter, I know this place.
And yet…
There are five light switches in the downstairs bathroom: one is a light, one is a fan – and then, well, I think one is for a microwave, maybe next door; and one I believe may operate a camera somewhere…
First I turn on the fan. BBBBBBBBBBERRRRRRRR. I turn it off. I flip another switch and nothing happens.  Must be the microwave. I accidentally flip two switches at the same time and the light and the fan go on. I accidentally turn the light off and am left in the dark with the fan going.
Steph has thoroughly researched and bought the vacuum of her dreams.
I have been defeated by a light switch – a clever light switch, but still a light switch.
I give up and use the bathroom in the dark.

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