Community Magazine

I Ain't Missing You at All

By Countesstt @CountessTT


Lake Como, Italy - Fall 2009

I guess I never really thought that I would miss having breasts.  All I cared about was getting rid of the cancer.  That to me seemed so much more important.  I had tried to imagine what it would feel like and what I would look like.  That’s a very hard thing to do when it is completely unknown.
Before I had the mastectomy I really started to think about it a lot.  It was a very stressful time.  One night I even googled images of mastectomies and it scared the crap out of me.  I remember closing my eyes and then looking at the images and wanting to look away but then always coming back to it.  Like a car accident.  Why on earth was I doing this?  Then I would look again.  Then it really hit me that soon I was going to be like one of those images.  I remember putting my head down on the desk and sobbing.  It was really scary to try to think about how I was going to look afterwards.  What scared me more was how it was going to make me feel.  I didn’t know what to expect.


My Friends - Brockville, Ontario - Summer 2013

I knew that my husband and my family would love me no matter what.  I knew that I was not going to be a different person because I had no breasts.  I was not defined by that.  However, no matter what, I was indeed going to be different.  I would look different and I would feel different.  How would my clothes fit me?  Would people be able to tell?  Would others stare?  What if I had to wear a bathing suit?  Would I still feel like a woman or would this make me feel more masculine or something?  Like some kind of a freak.  All of these things went through my head but I suppose I knew that it had to be done and being alive was certainly a great incentive.  So I took a big breath, swallowed that lump in my throat and decided that I was strong and I would get through this next hurdle.  I turned off the computer and went to bed.  I would deal with everything one day at a time.  What else could I do? 
Now that I was on the other side of the mastectomy, I was adjusting to the new reality and still not too sure how I felt about it.  Several months had passed but each day brought mixed feelings and physical challenges.  However, I was determined to focus on the positive.  The cancer was gone.

I Ain't Missing You - John Waite

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog