How To Spot a D-Bag on the Highway

It’s inevitable. You’re comfortable on your morning commute and just about to raise that thermal mug of delightful coffee to your lips for a sip. From the fast lane, a minivan executes a three-lane kamikaze dive from hell toward the off-ramp. From the on-ramp preceding it, an SUV careens blindly into traffic as the driver babbles away into a cell phone in open defiance of the law.

The two entitled, clueless assholes both cross your lane only feet in front of you, forcing you to avoid death with a wicked Tokyo glide. As the coffee scalds the softer parts in your lap, you manage to maintain a kung-fu grip on the steering wheel to complete the three-sixty and eventually make it to the cube farm on time. You worry that your fellow cube monkeys will not believe you, thinking instead you are incontinent and have pissed yourself.

Both douchebag drivers in this scenario of course self-identify not only by their poor driving skills, but also by these ubiquitous, irritating decals on the rear glass:

These are a sure sign you are trailing an idiot. Even better, some opt to customize them into Star Wars families, zombies, or some other idiotic representation of saccharine cutesey-ness that makes normal humans power-hurl. Some trail figures all the way across the glass, shouting to the world that not only are you an idiot who can’t master contraception, but that you’re one who’s attempting to breed we normal people out of existence.

Then there are the oval sticker dorks. The craze began with standardized, recognizable acronyms for European countries. You could announce your effete douchebag tourist status without a word. Now, there are pictograms, contractions, names and logos that have meaning only to the ‘tard gripping the wheel of the offending car. They’re less entertaining than memes and more obscure than those clever personalized plates that nobody can decipher.

A sure sign that these car sticker crazes are on the downside are these counter-stickers: