Humor Magazine

How To Get Free Money For Life

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

Millions of people lay on their sweat-logged sheets each night, wondering when the financial hamster wheel stops. Today we have an answer:


You’re hesitant. You’re unsure about how to permanently suture your lips to the government tit. Relax and enjoy the ride.

Step 1: Obtain a Government job. Plain and simple. Once there, attach yourself like a leech to the union and other organs of support. In this step, make sure you work like a force of nature. Produce! Come through! Exceed your quotas! Even mom’s expectations!

Step 2: You’re dug into your job like an Alabama tick. Now you start building your case…

2-A: Work long. Work hard. Develop vision problems after being a cubicle monkey for years. Complain of stress-related mental issues. Dissociate and snap at random people who step up behind you unheard and tap you on the shoulder. Curse at people if they interrupt you. When asked to do overtime, screech: “No! No! My rhododendrons need water! Screw you and your demands! My plaaaants…” Sob – salt in the eyes helps.

2-B: Throw up your arms in surrender. Make sure your co-workers know of your ailments and complaints. “My wrists hurt from this mouse clicking,” is a valid claim. Stress is unmeasurable. Make the claim: “I’m so pressured that I can’t stop shitting. Literally… I poop five or six times every hour.” Laxatives help.

Step 3: Have your contract and/or union charter memorized and begin your assault. First, attack the problems you’ve established in Step Two. “I am having a complete colonoscopy,” you’ll announce. “The equipment is about fifty feet long. Seriously.” Offer to Skype the procedure. Repeat for all established issues. Be creative! Post the video of your inner rectum on Facebook.

Step 4: Build your case. This is the challenge step. Winter facilitates this. Go outside when the landscape is frozen under an inch of ice. Fall on the ice – hard. After this, mysterious back problems are a cakewalk to claim. When sitting with your healthcare provider, make sure they know you’re suffering. Even if you’re a 6’7” biker with ‘hate’ tattooed on one hand and ‘more hate’ on your (nine-digit) other hand, sob in pain. Describe the meat locker that is you smacking the icy concrete. Make sure you establish an alternate online life to hawk your meds on Craigslist. Anything that starts with ‘oxy’ will fly out of your mailbox like hotcakes.

Step 5: When the issues are documented, relax and enjoy that paycheck.

Note: Keep in mind that this is the Gub’ment you’re dealing with. They’ll check, for sure. Insulate yourself from family, close friends, and even the mailman. They’re watching and waiting for you to slip up and act healthy. The sofa is your friend. So are Internet cats. Be a meme.

We hope this guide has been helpful. Please direct any questions or issues to Howard Ganz, our manager.


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