This week we are featuring guest posts from other sucessful blog writers. All guest writers invited to write on mynewchinesewife.com have a considerable amount of experience living in China and/ or are currently in relationships with a Chinese. We feel this is a genuine way to shed some light on what international relationships are all about.
So you’ve married the love of your life and she happens to be Chinese. This means that in addition to all the other challenges that await couples in cross-cultural relationships, there’s another issue you have to talk about: Where will you live in the future?
Now if you’ve met in your home country and your wife likes living there, the decision probably won’t be too hard. Your wife can speak your respective country’s language and has her own circle of friends. You also want your kids to grow up in your home country. Don’t read on, this article isn’t for you.
But what if your situation is different? What should you consider before you decide on where to live together?
1. Language
Which language do you use to communicate? Will one partner have to learn the respective country’s language if you live there long term? Which language(s) will your kids learn while growing up?
2. Work
Will both of you be able to find a fulfilling job in one of your respective countries? Will finding a job be a very big problem for one of you?
3. Health insurance, child benefits, pension scheme
Will both of you be able to get health insurance, child benefits (or support from your in-laws if you don’t), how will you make sure that you have enough money for living once you’ve retired?
4. Education system
What kind of schools do you want to send your kids to? How much will it cost (will your child only be able to visit a private school in China while it could visit a public school in your home country)?
5. Cultural issues
Have both partners visited one or the other country for an extended period of time? Traveling to a foreign country is one thing, but actually living in a foreign country is another thing.
These are some of the issues that come to my mind. My Chinese husband and I have gone through a lot of talking and mulling over all these different aspects before we made our decision.
I can speak Mandarin Chinese fluently, but he’s not fluent in English and he has just started to learn German. We mainly speak Chinese with each other. We have met in China and for now this is where we’re going to live. We both have decent jobs here and job opportunities are plenty. If we were to live in Austria, my husband would have a very tough time finding a job that matches his skills. He would have to take intensive German classes before he would be able to find a suitable job. So for the years coming China is the place for us to be. But we don’t want to live here forever. After all, it’s great if both partners can get to know their other half’s respective culture by living in that country.
Once we have kids, we want them to learn both languages. I will speak German with them and my husband will speak Chinese with them. We want them to go to primary school in China, so they’ll learn the most commonly used Chinese characters. Since there’s a lot of pressure on kids in Chinese schools – especially once they are in secondary school – and since those schools don’t necessarily promote independent thinking, we want them to go to secondary school in Austria. Another thing to consider is that we want our kids to have Austrian citizenship (China doesn’t allow two citizenships) and with that in mind they’ll only be able to attend expensive private schools in China. Also, we want them to get to know both of their parents’ respective cultures.
Another thing to consider is health insurance and child benefits. China has made major improvements to its health insurance scheme in recent years and if you’re permitted to work in China, your employer will have to buy you health insurance. There are also options to buy private insurance which is often not that expensive but might also not cover illnesses to the same extent it would in your respective country. My husband and I have both bought private health insurance which also works as an investment (you can get back most of your money once you’ve reached a certain age or have payed your insurance for a certain period of time, they’ll subtract the money you received when you were ill). If we have kids and stay in Austria, we’ll receive child benefits and if I am working before I get the child, I’ll still receive part of my income while on maternity leave. In China, there’s no such thing as child benefits or a parental leave scheme. Many Chinese mothers get back to work as soon as two months after giving birth. You won’t get any support from the state, but chances are that your Chinese in-laws will be eager to help you with the child, making it easier to juggle your life as young parents.
These are some things that my husband and I have had to consider. For every cross-cultural relationship there are different aspects you need to consider and maybe what works for us is completely different from what works for you. Except for what I have mentioned here you might also choose to live in a country that is neither your home country nor your spouse’s native country. No matter where you choose to live, make sure that it’s a deliberate decision that works well for both of you.
R is an Austrian living and working in Shenzhen, where she has met her Chinese husband. She has studied graphic design and Chinese studies and is the face behind the blog www.chinaelevatorstories.com, that features conversations with locals and everyday stories of life in China.
