My sex drive is hibernating.
Its not for lack of opportunity or floverly overtures. Its just… resting.
I’ve always known I fare better in summer and sunshine than winter and wetness. The dark and damp does something to me. Its more than regular seasonal affective disorder. It plays with my mindset and hormones and emotions and I find myself wanting to retreat into the cosy cave of my room alone, solo.
Maybe my work schedule is a contributing factor. I have been working three different jobs, one of them rather soul-sucking- for the last couple of months, and feel so drained and uninspired and decidedly unsexy by the end of the day.
I’ve also had a couple of physical set backs- an old back injury playing up, followed by a nasty cold that has left me sounding not unlike an eighty year old who has been chain smoking for 50-odd years. Not the sexiest sound in the world if you ask me.
Add into all this the fact that, statistically, the winter holiday season is one of the most socially busy times of the year, and I have hardly had any chance to squeeze in any dates at all. And most of the ones that I have, my currently deflated libido is uninspired to explore further at the moment.
Maybe I just need time for me.
Still, through this sexual drought I’ve craved the energetic and emotional intimacy, a craving satiated by pretzel-style cuddles with Orion, as well as platonic cuddles with a plethora of good friends, including my room-mate. Christmas Day at our house was more like one big giant cuddle puddle, with occasional breaks for good food. As life should be, I think.
This has given me the space and time to reflect and take in some retrospect on my unfolding journey and wow, what a journey it has been. And, continues to be. Getting clearer, day by day, about what I do want and don’t want, and understanding how to communicate it. Its a good reminder that I do identify as polyamarous, and not just polysexual.
Yeah, relationships, loverships, for me they need to have more than just sex. There’s gotta be room for conversation, for creativity, for cups of chai, for the exchange of ideas, and for the opportunity to be a positive part of one another’s evolution in this crazy ride. And most of all- for cuddles. Simply holding another human being, sharing breath with them, and honoring who they are, can be the most profound intimacy. Maybe the whole sex thing is just to get us to that place where we know another soul so well we can feel comfortable enough to hold them without the need for words, and understand them without the need for speaking.
My sex drive will come back, I know it will. Quite likely, in full force, wanting to do more wild and crazy things.
Till then, I revel in my own company and my soft warm blankets, dreaming of future flirtations.
Life is bewitching, breathtaking- and bombastically, bodaciously beautiful, don’t you think?
