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HAPPY FATHER'S DAYToday is Sunday, June 16, 2013. This Is...

By Douggosling @douggosling

Today is Sunday, June 16, 2013.  This is the second Father's Day since Doug died in 2011.  Last year Father's Day came so soon after Doug had died that I can hardly remember it.  I know I was still in shock at that time.  This year I really feel the loss of him more.  I wonder how Caralia and Sean feel?  I know this day must be so much harder for them .  Sean is still in Jasper.  Caralia is camping.  I am alone.  If Doug were alive we would be having a celebration, and I would be with him and my family.
Happy Father's Day to all of those wonderful Father's out there.   I know many of my friends are celebrating this day with their families.  As I look out of my window I can see many cars lined up along my street, in front of the homes of their families with whom they are cebrating this wonderful day.
 I wish my family and I could be celebrating too.  Of course that would mean the events of May 30th 2011 never happened.  Where is a genie bottle when you need one?
Life has changed 100% since the day Doug died, at least for me.  I am the only "widow" in my group of friends.  After Doug's death their lives continued on as usual.  Unfortunately my life would never be the same.
Today I have spent the afternoon watching old movies on tv about love.  Probably not the best thing to be doing when you are feeling like this, but they seem to be the only things on today.  Therefore, I have been in tears off and on all day.  I worry I will never feel joy and happiness again.
This morning I spoke to one of my friend's from my grief group and she informed me that she has also been very sad today.  Her only happiness came from the knowledge that she would be spending the day with her Son and his family.  Her Son has insisted that she attend dinner with his family every Sunday, as he does not want her to be alone.  I am happy for her.  Some of the other women in the group are getting together with their kids today, to give remembrance to their Husbands.
It has been a funny day as far as the weather is concerned.  It was raining in the morning and now it is a lovely evening.  As I write this, through my open window I can feel a wonderful breeze caressing my face and making me wonder why I am sitting here writing and not outside enjoying it.  Oh yeah, it rained today and all of my furniture is wet.  I knew there must be a reason.
Also through my window drifts the scent of someone grilling in their backyard on their bbq.  I haven't had a bbq since sometime last summer.   Doug always did all of the grilling and and was great at it and  damn proud of it too.  He loved to cook.  Actually, he taught me how to cook.  On our first date I invited him over for a home cooked meal and he ended up cooking, lol.  When he grilled he would sit outside with a book or his computer and multitask from one to the other.  In the summer he loved to sit outside and enjoy the day.  Even when he was very sick in early May of 2011 I would wrap him up in blankets and  he would sleep for a few hours outside.  It feels so lonely out their on my own now.
I do wonder if the tears that flow so easily will ever slow down.  As much as I attempt to do lots of "fun" things with my friends, I still end up back at home, alone, in a puddle.  Will my life ever get better?  Will my heart ever feel whole again?  I don't know?  I hope so.   



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