Humor Magazine

Guest Post: Today My Toddler Didn’t Break Me

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

If the great Gavin McInnes, founder of Vice and godfather of the hipster movement, taught us anything, it’s that people take parenting way too seriously. There is a definitive point where we leave the realm of good parenting and enter into the already exceeding capacity pool of idiots. A man should be defined by how he handles morons.

If you missed the furor of how to fight a baby and are now just nodding along so as not to look like an idiot, see below:

The self defense learned in that video could get anyone through the first year of parenting. After the first year though, you enter the stages of walking, running, and, worst of all, the talking. You can desperately scour the Internet for “how to kick a toddler’s ass” advice but will find nothing, all the while getting gang beaten by toddlers before nap time.

Well, here is that self defense class that has been desperately sought out. I’ve emerged from these ass kickings a toughened toddler-beating sonnuva bitch. They say prison changes a man. So do toddlers.

Morning time-

Most toddler troubles happen before breakfast is served. Every morning of toddlerhood comes with being woken up by the chants “Dad! Dad! Dad!” until finally you drag yourself to cribs and lift two foot-tall psychos out of segregation.

Remember the first attack? It was unexpected and unfair. A cheap shot, really.

BOOM! Headbutt straight to the nose, followed by giggles. While you were trying not to cry, laughter and glee reared back for another shot.

That doesn’t happen anymore. Not in this house. There have been enough nosebleeds and broken glasses. Time to put an end to early morning headers.  Now, before picking up a child, carefully immobilize them with their blanket and pick them up, fireman’s carry style. Sure, they might get wiggly in there. Don’t worry. After you throw them on the couch; they will burst free from their blankey strait jacket and you won’t look like Iggy Pop after a concert.



This battle is more psychological than anything else, although reflexes will be tested. Anybody else blessed with raising the future of Major League Baseball? Most littles have mastered how to fastball a bowl of spaghetti. As edible projectiles rain down on your head and shirt, your good reflexes kick in. If you have a loving partner you can practice your dodges later at night, after you’ve managed to lull the baby beasts back to their den. Have your partner hurl dinner at you until you’ve stopped sobbing and managed to avoid getting hit directly in the face with sauce at least three times.

Seriously, though –  DON’T cry during mealtime. Never show your toddler that them pelting you with food has made you their bitch or you’ve lost all the battles for the day, even if you masterfully avoided the morning headbutt. It’s tough. but keep strong! Meal time only occurs a few times a day. Get used to becoming a child’s Jackson Pollack painting.


Nap time-

This is one of the feistier instances you will encounter. Toddlers needing naps are worse than real criminals. Speaking from personal experience, I would much rather be mugged than have to put a toddler down to nap. There are two ways to handle such a situation; pawn nap time off on your partner, or just attack! head on.

If you have a partner who knows how to flaunt it, you usually get stuck with nap duty. Some partners know just how to promise or withhold sex in such a way that has you begrudgingly tackling nap time. There is no nobler cause for taking on toddlers than some afternoon delight. None. Period.

So you have to do nap time. Got a cup? Might want to invest in one –  tiny little elbows are zeroing in on your junk as we speak. One hit and afternoon delight turns into a session of icing your groin as if fresh off a vasectomy. Hey, maybe you’re a woman! Metal bra? Might want to invest in one. Tiny little fingers are coming to clamp on nipples, and not in a pleasurable “Oh yeah, more baby, more!” kind of way.

The best way to approach nap time is sneak attack. Lure the tired toddler into their room with something they want. Use a sippy cup full of milk. Make sure to dangle the sippy cup right in front of them, just out of reach, until they are right next to their cribs. It is good to note that maintaining enough space to avoid the elbows and grabby hands that might find their way onto your person is equally as important as how you dangle the sippy.

Once by the crib it gets a lot simpler. The toddler is completely occupied. Drop the sippy into their grubby hands and quickly move behind said child. Lift them into the crib and throw a blanket on them before sprinting out of the room and into the loving and proud arms of your significant other. Consider a little horizontal dancing well earned.



Haven’t quite mastered how to deal with a toddler tantrum? A lot of it involves standing in the doorway of a room and hurling toys, sippy and food at the monster. At least until the siren screech stops and they stop trying to destroy every goddamn thing within flailing distance. There is not something more foolproof, but this method seems to work around thirty percent of the time. Thirty percent is better than zero percent and until something more foolproof is discovered, this the best course of action.

Bedtime is actually surprisingly similar to nap time. The only difference is the kiss. After spending a day of kicking the shit out of a kid with some A+ parenting, it’s nice to show dominance. Don’t get cocky with it! Don’t go in for a big ol’ “who’s in control” smooch and hug, just a quick peck. Then, stand at the doorway and say all the things that have been pent up.


Here is a personal favorite:

“Daddy loves you! Sleep tight, and good luck trying to break me tomorrow!”

Just watch out for flying sippy cups.




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