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As the debate surrounding Climate Change continues, Gingerfightback can reveal that burning Gingers is being considered by Governments around the globe.
We have received a copy of a paper presented to a shadowy Davos Forum by Lauren Parapapompom, Head of Research for the French Government’s shadowy L’Insistitute D’Ecolologie et Humanananitaire. The paper entitled “Gingers in a Low Carbon Future” (Ref LDEH 10/08543236/GH/ASQ/3) highlights research conducted by the shadowy Institute of Human Smouldering (IHS) that Gingers have on average fifty percent less carbon in their bodies and therefore make a more efficient burning material than dinosaurs or your next door neighbour’s shower curtain.
It also indicates that controlled freckle release could aerate the atmosphere by 3%.
The idea is controversial as Parapapompom admits, “But if we can secure the future of humankind and those lovely big eyed seals and fluffy polar bears by burning a few carrot tops, surely it is worth it?” Breeder farms (to be known as Cropping Zones) would be established in Mauritania, where cropped Gingers would be used to fuel Ginger Fired Power Stations (GFPS). Negotiations between the Mauritanian, French and Spanish governments are to export the generated electricity through a trnascontinetial pipeline to Europe.
The report states, “GFPS Ash can be used to propagate food stations for Ginger cropping zones. It is considered feasible that this programme could breed red haired people for eating (The Quarter Pounder McGinger has proved popular with focus groups) thus helping solve the world’s food production crisis as well! Ginger meat is leaner than Ostrich and makes a fine stew. Especially with dumplings.” The shadowy IHS has prepared studies to use Ginger skeletons as a stock for a nutritious soup. Commenting on this option the shadowy Organisation for African Backhanders said, “We have the room for Ginger cropping and we love soup. Minestrone especially!” But burning Gingers is not a recent phenomenon.
Queen Victoria was a keen advocate of Ginger fires, as revealed in her private diaries. Her entry of November 12th 1846 states, “I do wish Albert would desist from fiddling with that chain around his vitals and turn his inventive mind to how we can burn more redheads to keep the Palace warm. I’m freezing my knackers off in here.”
Prince Albert having completed his plans for his Great Genital Exhibition (the word genital was removed as a peon to sensitivities at the time) ordered the Great Reforming Ginger Commission of 1848. The Commission, investigated the issue of “kindling” Gingers and whilst the Quaker on the commission (Nathaniel Tingaling) objected to the practice, Farmers, Chimney makers, bobble hat weavers and a shadowy figure only referred to as “Red Tom” pressed for the practice to be retained. As Ginger children were barred from picking horses teeth for food (a major source of nutrition at the time) or climb chimneys to lick soot, the only means of earning a living for many of them was to dispose of body parts to the great country estates. The famous Victorian nursery rhyme “Wobbly One Legged Ginger” captures the essence of the hordes of unbalanced redheads tottering around the countryside. “But pity the poor lass and careful you don’t singe her Don’t worry sir! For we’re to fire this Ginger!”
The Commission concluded; “Without the practice of firing, there is a real danger that the habits of licentiousness in Ginger people will percolate through the entire labouring classes and they will seek full retribution from us. The Rich. This cannot be condoned. Furthermore it is entirely reasonable and consistent with the laws set out in Holy Scriptures – (The Book of Relevavavations, Chapter 3 Verses 2-5 – “For Seth, despairing of the cold winds shook his fist in mighty anger at the red skies and bade the Lord “Fire in the red sky! It is no more than they deserve”). It is apposite and honourable that the burning of Gingers should continue as they offer a fruity tang to the malodorous air of London.” Burning Gingers only lost its attraction when the more efficient practice of burning moustaches became widespread in the Edwardian era.
Could it make a spectacular return? —–
