Humor Magazine

Guest Post: Bucket List

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss


Angelle doesn’t like cilantro, likes inappropriate jokes, and is dating Superman.

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You’re about to turn 30.

What have you done?

30 is SO OLD. Like, really, really old. You might even remember that time before cell phones and the internet when life was super boring and we were all just waiting for the next Austin Powers movie to come out. So as your birthday looms nearer and you are almost through the haze of your 20′s, you frantically scribble out your “Bucket List” at 3am and share it with your friends.

I’ve already done it.*

Behold, My “Already Did That” list!

1). Swim with Sharks: I wouldn’t say I’m a “Jacques Cousteau-esque, shark whisperer”, but I wouldn’t NOT say that either. I even got out of the cage and fed them like seals. Stop being boring, live a little.

2). Climb Mt. Everest: They say climbing up Mt. Everest isn’t a “challenge” anymore. Well, to make it more interesting I strapped a Sherpa to my back and carried HIM up the mountain. Of course there are no pictures. I had a Sherpa strapped to my back.

3). Deep Sea Diving: I’m an honorary mermaid now. Deal with it.

4). Mentoring a Child: I taught an orphan child to read. Now he’s working at NIH in the Leukemia research division. He’s 9.

5). Take Cooking Classes: After successfully completing Wolfgang Puck’s online course “Cook. Love. Eat” I will be opening my 4th restaurant in August. It’s Mexican-Austrian Fusion-Fusion. You’ll love the Schnitzel Enchiladas.

6). Learn to Knit: Expect your sweater soon. No need to send measurements. I’M THAT GOOD.

7). Write a Book: Well I wrote a whole trilogy. It’s called Elves of the L’nai and the mythology is pretty complicated, but I developed their language in about a week while I was staying with the Pohnpeian peoples of the Isle of Pohnpei in Micronesia.

8). Learn a Trade: I learned the sacred art of shark calling from the proud people of Tembin, located in the New Ireland region of Papua New Guinea. Hence, my shark whisperer talents mentioned in number 1.

Future “I Already Did That” List:
Save the Sea Turtles: Done
Go to Space: Fly me to the moon, Richard Branson!

*Of course I haven’t done any of these things. I don’t think any of us can live up to the standards of the “Screaming Facebook Moms” and I spent a long time trying to keep up with exotic vacation destinations, the latest exercise crazes, and cake pop recipes. Until I realized I hated wine, I don’t have kids or a husband, and all I wanted to do was write, drink whiskey, and read lots of books. So, defy the wholesome families on Facebook, stop competing for the perfectly filtered Instagram picture, and do makes you happy.

This post inspired by that friend on Facebook who’s been to one yoga class and now wants to be your life coach.



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