I’ve resisted using this line for more than six years but this week’s post really is Sex on the Literary Sofa, discussed in frank terms by two women called Isabel. My guest is bestselling narrative non-fiction author Isabel Losada, whose previous personal investigations have included joy, enlightenment and New Age philosophies. With her latest release Sensation, she’s turned her attention to the challenging subject of sex and sexuality. My review of the book follows.
The idea was to dedicate a year to learning everything I could that would make sex into good sex in the context of a loving, long term, monogamous relationship. In my case it would be a heterosexual adventure (because that’s the group I’m in) but any two consenting adults could create a similar journey. I would use myself as a guinea pig and report my findings, writing with as much honesty, vulnerability and courage as I could find. This would be both entertainment and information; messages on social media showed that both were badly needed.
Starting at an all women’s workshop I found that it’s not easy to stand freely, as a child would, in our birthday suit and celebrate what nature has given us. And it’s harder still, it seems, for women to look between our own legs with love and admiration. We can see beauty in a flower but not, seemingly at the source of life itself. With labiaplasty the fastest growing form of cosmetic surgery we are far from recognising that we are all different and all beautiful.
My partner and I progressed to couples’ workshops. The course we attended had of six couples aged 20’s to 60’s and the work was genuinely life changing. I learnt that, in a previous seven-year marriage, I hadn’t even learnt to use the words, ‘no’ – ‘yes’ and ‘wait’ clearly. Hardly any wonder that our sex life had been so bad. Women, how can we ever really say, ‘yes’ if we don’t first learn an authentic ‘no’? Later in the weekend, in a simple ‘Ask for what you want’ exercise – I noticed that I enjoyed my partner’s choices more than my own.
We found an organisation that focuses on female pleasure (really!) and teaches men the correct way to stroke a clitoris. This may sound as if I’d stumbled on the dream job but writing honestly about sensation (and lack of sensation) in my own body required a courage that even twenty years of writing hadn’t prepared me for. Every time I had the thought, ‘you can’t write this’ I took a deep breath and wrote it anyway. These tips for free: the upper left part of the clitoris (if you’re a woman lying down) is the most sensitive and the man should stroke no more firmly that you would stroke your own eyelid. The goal is not to have an orgasm – but just to experience sensation in the body. More details in the book.
I met a tantric master and discussed touch. One of the teachings I found most helpful was to ‘listen to’ each subtle sensation in my body. Many of us have a tendency to let the mind wander to the past ‘Did I close the back door?’ or the future, ‘Will I have an orgasm?’ My teacher shocked me by saying that if he’s touching my arm, and I’m not fully listening to the sensation – it’s ‘rude.’ “As if I’m trying to talk to you and you’re on the phone to someone else.” Fortunately the solution here is simple – as in meditation, when you find your mind has wandered just bring it back to ‘listening to the sensation.’ And don’t chase orgasms. That’s vital. If you make your body feel good and your partner’s body feel good and you feel happy, loved and nourished, in that moment and the following day – that’s good sex. Touch, Relax, Breathe, Laugh. It’s all good. We also talked a lot about love. It’s called ‘making love’ for a reason. That’s the key, of course.
It’s possible in reading Sensation to decide that the idea of making 2018 a year when you commit to improving your sex life is one that you’d like to explore and then to read the book and decide which way forward would be right for you. It’s a journey that requires courage. But life is short. The body is designed for pleasure. And what better investment could you make in your relationship?
IN BRIEF: My View of Sensation
I write sex in fiction, I write about sex in fiction and I’ve written about the double standards applied to men and women, never more apparent than when sexuality and sexual behavior are concerned. I was drawn to Sensation by its positive focus on female sexuality and pleasure. Recognising this outside the context of male gratification feels timely and important in the light of recent revelations and debate. I applaud Losada’s bravery in taking this project on and for the honesty she brings to her findings. The warm and generous tone – it’s quite light-hearted – makes up for some of it being more than a little New Agey. The author genuinely believes she’s giving readers something of value in sharing her above-and-beyond research, and I’d agree – it’s both an entertaining and enlightening read. As she discusses in this brilliant Under the Skin podcast with Russell Brand, Losada found that even between straight couples who are having sex (many aren’t, or rarely), there is often a fundamental lack of communication centred on the woman being unable to express what does (or doesn’t) give her pleasure and the man therefore not knowing how. Every body is different so that’s not something you can learn from a book – Sensation is about cultivating the connection and sensuality which contribute to good sex and fulfilling relationships. As Isabel Losada says, you can thank her later, and if you get this book as a Christmas gift for yourself or someone else, I’m sure you will. But I’d like to thank Isabel here and now for today’s brilliant piece and for writing Sensation. It was good for me.
*POSTSCRIPT*
In my final post of the year I’ll be sharing my Books (and other cultural highlights) of 2017 next week.
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