Recently I was interviewed by a marketing company and was asked about infidelity as part of my online conversation. The interviewer inquired if a relationship could really survive the trauma and deceit caused by an extramarital affair.
In my counseling practice, I see many couples who are wrestling with this very issue.
My answer was, “Yes, of course this is possible!”
The biggest hurdles affair-affected couples face are accepting the degrees of effort, energy and understanding it takes to move past an affair.
Today affairs of all kinds run rampant. They can begin on Web sites, at work, at social gatherings, or even by a chance encounter at the local dog park! Sometimes affairs start as innocent flirting while texting or e-mailing, as well as with traditional face to face contact.
No matter what way an affair starts, they all suffer the same destructive effects. There are no filters or soft places to land when the deceit is first discovered. Marriages can break-up quickly and kids often suffer the harsh consequences of the choices their parents make.
When a couple wants to mend and continue their relationship, it is encouraging, yet worrisome. Can the couple navigate the road to trusting again and feel genuine forgiveness, or will the journey be too difficult to make? Many damaged marriages will end in divorce if there are too many bumps in the road.
Both partners must share the same goals for preserving their marriage. The decision to work things out should not be for the sake of the children, but because the couple truly loves each other and can visualize a solid future together.
There must be shared responsibility to save the marriage, and I do mean shared. It’s too easy to place blame on the one who had the affair. The other partner had a part as well, and both should be willing to understand that for every action there is a reaction. This can be difficult to understand and often counseling is needed to get past this hump.
Both partners must be willing to tell the truth and nothing but the truth from this point on. Deceit of any kind cannot be tolerated.
