This past week has taken me for a ride on an extreme emotional roller-coaster. Within less than 24 hours, I was unexpectedly hired for a new job and unexpectedly experienced the devastating loss of someone I loved. Never in my life have I experienced such an odd combination of positive and negative energy. It’s caused me to have to engage in some intense soul-searching, but I haven’t been sure where to begin.
True, I have much to be grateful for in the midst of my heartache. Getting a new job is a welcome boost of confidence, especially because it’s for a cause I believe in with all my heart. And while I plan to dedicate myself to working, it’s also time for me to dedicate myself to me.
To make sense of the contradictions I’ve been facing, I realize I’m going to need to get to the root of a lot of deep-seated insecurities. Like so many disabled people, one of the things I struggle with most is my body image. I’ve long since embraced my disability identity, but loving my body has been a lifelong battle that I’ve yet to win no matter how much I try. That’s not to say I’m ashamed of my wheelchair, or my scars, or anything else that makes up who I am. Rather, it’s a part of my reality that many people may accept me as a person, but have a harder time accepting a body not fully in line with socially perpetuated “norms.” This takes a toll no matter how thick a skin I’ve developed.
I usually worry about my outward appearance so I can show everyone I have it together. Rarely do I focus on myself, for myself. So, in an effort to do something that will make me feel good for the right reasons, I’m getting back in the water.
Of course, that can be taken as a metaphor for my life. But there is, in fact, water involved. I’ve decided to join a gym. I had gotten away from working out because I wanted to. When I did do it, it was because I thought I should, because I hoped it would mean something to other people. But now it’s time to do something for me: I got in the pool for the first time in over two years. I don’t know why it’s been so long. I used to spend summers at camp trying to set lap records. I used to time how long I could hold my breath and try to sit at the bottom of the deep end. I used to spin and splash and let loose. I lost that simple joy. Not to mention, swimming is absolutely amazing for so many wheelchair users because it gives us a chance to move freely, relieve pressure, and gently flex our joints. So over the weekend, I got reacquainted with the water.
I didn’t just tentatively dip in my toes. I immersed my whole body. And maybe it’s cliche, but that’s how I plan to begin to focus on myself and on getting healthier. I plan to go all in, and I plan to do it for me.
