Game of Thrones Episode 7.5, ‘Eastwatch’ & perhaps the dumbest plot ever
SPOILERS for Game of Thrones Episode 7.5, “Eastwatch.”
True story: I actually totally missed Cersei’s big reveal/lie? I didn’t realize that Cersei was all “Papa Don’t Preach, I’m Keeping My Incest Baby” until this morning, as I was researching the episode. Like, I missed a lot of stuff, you guys? What was I doing last night as I watched Game of Thrones? Was I thinking about butterflies?? No. I was thinking about Gendry’s hot ass and I think I was also yelling at the TV about many other things. Anyway, here’s the recap, just keep in mind that I was apparently not paying great attention last night.
Guess who survived? Jaime Lannister and Bronn survived the dragon attack. Jaime is all “wow, those dragons are for real tho” and Bronn was like “Sho nuff.” There’s some talk about how Bronn is still just in it for the money, but no one is buying it at this point. Jaime returns to Kings Landing and he tells Cersei that there’s no way to win this war with dragons. She’s like ha, okay ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Poor, Hot, Burnt Dickon Tarly. Dany stands before the surviving Lannister army and gives them a choice: they can bend the knee or they can die. Drogon is there to remind people that bending the knee involves dragons, bitches. Still, Lord Tarly and his son refuse to bend the knee and Tyrion is all, maybe we should just send them to the Wall and Dany is like “nope.” She doesn’t behead the Tarlys, she says “dracarys” and Drogon burns them in a very controlled fire. Tyrion doesn’t like this, and Tyrion and Varys have a scene where they’re talking about how they don’t like how bloodthirsty Dany is.
The Three-Eyed Raven. Bran’s story is minimal, and yet he’s setting sh-t in motion. He warged into some ravens and watched the army of the undead marching towards Eastwatch. He tells Winterfell’s new Maester to send the ravens out.
Sam Tarly is done. The maesters are reading the news from all of the ravens and Sam overhears them reading Bran’s report about the army of the undead. Sam tries to convince everyone that it’s really happening. They’re like “Eh.” Later, Sam steals a bunch of books, loads up Gilly and Sam Jr and leaves Oldtown. Two important notes: he doesn’t know his father and brother are dead (making him the heir) and he didn’t let Gilly finish her incredibly important story about Rhaegar Targaryen’s annulment!!! THAT WAS IMPORTANT, SAM. AND YOU INTERRUPTED HER.
Jon Snow, Dragon Stepdad. Dany flies home to Dragonstone where Jon is just, like, hanging out on the cliff. Drogon could have set fire to Jon or pushed him off the cliff or anything, but instead Drogon let Jon touch his face with his bare hand. Drogon is cool with his new stepdad, okay?
Jorah made it to Dragonstone. Jorah is back, bitches, and the friendzoning never stops. Dany could have kissed him. Instead, she just uncomfortably embraced him. Jorah’s pretty happy to see his queen, and Jorah immediately is welcomed back into Dany’s circle of trust.
Plotting in Dragonstone. This is where I really began to lose the plot. To be fair, the show is losing the plot, right? I was down with the idea of Jamie and Tyrion seeing each other face to face, but the way that this crack team of Dany-advisors tried to plot about it just seemed… odd. Poorly explained. Why are they trying to reason with Mad Queen Cersei again?
Tyrion & Davos head to Kings Landing. The secret meeting with Jaime, I get. But still, the whole thing felt pretty poorly organized, and I would have loved a more emotional or funny meeting between Tyrion and Bronn. Instead, Bronn leads Jamie to a surprise meeting with Tyrion and the two best actors on the show somehow get through that stilted dialog with their dignity intact.
GENDRY IS BACK, BITCHES. Fan-service, for sure. But we needed to see how this plot thread got resolved. Gendry has been in Kings Landing, making swords this whole time. Davos is like “I’m going to need you to–” and Gendry was like “I have my bags packed, let’s go, I’m down.” Gendry even kills two guards on their way out of Kings Landing.
Papa Don’t Preach. Cersei tells Jaime that she’s pregnant and Jaime was like “Oh, I met with Tyrion” and she’s like “if you ever betray me again, I’ll slice your face off.” She’s also going to tell people that Jaime is the father? That does not bode well.
Meanwhile, in Winterfell. Arya is trying to figure out what’s going on with Sansa, the Lady of Winterfell. The northern lords are getting restless and Littlefinger is plotting. Arya is basically stalking Littlefinger and long story short, she finds a letter that he seemingly wanted to keep hidden (but he totally wanted Arya to find because he’s obsessed with Stark women). The letter is a callback to Season 1, when Joffrey and Cersei made Sansa write a letter begging Catelyn & Robb to disavow Ned Stark. The gist is that Littlefinger seems to want to drive a wedge between Sansa and Arya.
Eastwatch. This plot is so stupid, even if seeing this motley crew assemble was sort of amazing. Jon, Jorah, Gendry and Davos go to Eastwatch, where Tormund has been guarding his part of the wall. Tormund thinks the plot sounds really stupid too, but he’s like “I’m in!” because he’s Tormund and he loves Jon Snow. Tormund even asks after Brienne too (love it), but he’s also like, hey, there are these guys, I caught them trying to sneak north of the wall. Those guys? The Hound, Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr. Now they’re all setting off on some Ocean’s Eleven-style caper north of the wall, because the plot is that they’ll bring back a White Walker to convince Maybe-Baby Cersei that sh-t is real.
Photos courtesy of HBO.
Source: Game of Thrones Episode 7.5, ‘Eastwatch’ & perhaps the dumbest plot ever
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