Do You Feel the Need to Dress to Fit-In?
A client I was working with shared the following with me, she felt dissatisfied with her style, particularly when she dressed to “fit-in” or “blend-in” with the style of those who lived around her, which was a more casual relaxed and slightly classic style than her own desired style. What was also fascinating, was that she shared that when she dressed in a more basic manner, to fit-in with the style of those around her, she blended-in so much that she became invisible. People didn’t react particularly positively towards her.
She shared that whenever she wore clothing that was more creative and suited her personality, she felt better about herself even though it made her stand out more in her environment where most people dress in a more simple and plain manner, but she also found that people around her reacted much more positively towards her.
Those more stand out-outfits created a positive connection with others in a way that wearing something similar to others to fit-in actually didn’t help her create that connection, which in a way is the opposite of what she expected. Given that connection is one of our critical human needs, dressing in a way that forges positive connections is a good thing.
When you think about why you dress to “fit in” it’s because you’re looking for that connection, of feeling part of a tribe or group, that you look like you should be there, yet as you can see, dressing to fit-in doesn’t always have the impact you crave.
Why Fitting-In Is the Opposite of Belonging
I saw this short video, Brené Brown explains how attempts to fit-in don’t actually improve our feeling of belonging.
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When you assess who you think people want you to be and then change yourself to “fit-in” then you are being inauthentic to who you are.
“True belonging demands that we be who we are because if we believe we fit in because how we’ve changed ourselves that’s not belonging. That’s not belonging because you betrayed yourself for other people and that’s not sustainable.” Brené Brown
What people react to is authenticity. Most of us can tell instinctively when someone is being true to themselves. We value authenticity in others because we feel that what we are seeing and experiencing from them is who they really are, rather than some sort of ‘front’ that is inauthentic, so we’re not sure if anything they say is true and can be trusted. Others being authentic makes us feel that it’s easier to be authentic ourselves as there can be a feeling that being authentic will make us feel vulnerable.
Authentic and Appropriate
Being yourself in your style rather than dressing to blend is important. You may need to adapt your style to work with a dress code, but this can be done in so many ways and remain authentic.
I remember working with another client, a lawyer, who was thinking she’d have to give up her job because she hated dressing in the Classic suits that she felt that her workplace demanded. I asked her to show me something she wore to work that she did enjoy and that felt like her, yet still was dress-code appropriate. She showed me a suit, but it wasn’t a Classic suit, instead, it had a few key Feminine details, the pocket flaps were shaped like a bow, the jacket had a little kick pleat at the back as did the skirt. It was still in a classic color and fabric as well as being a suit so that it was corporate lawyer appropriate, but she felt like herself in it.
As soon as I explained the differences between her purely Classic suits and this Feminine suit and how that’s what she needed to look for in her work clothing, she realised that she didn’t need to give up the job, she just needed to tweak the details of what she wore so that she felt authentic and that she was expressing herself through these outfits. She didn’t hate the work, she just felt constricted in the standard Classic outfits.
Now some personality types care much more about being appropriately dressed than others, who just don’t care so much, but if you tend to want to dress to “fit-in” then I want to reassure you that you can still be authentic to yourself and express your personality at the same time without compromising your style and dressing to blend-in.
This is where getting that education in style comes in, as you first need to understand how your personality influences every style choice you make because only then will you be able to figure out your balance between your need to feel appropriate along with your need to be authentic.
Confidence isn’t about walking into a room and thinking you have to compare yourself with everyone and feeling that you’re as good as, or better, it’s walking in and not having to compare yourself to anyone because being the best version of yourself is enough.
My style is my own, and I don’t believe that you should be copying anyone’s style. If you’ve been following my work you’ll know that I don’t tell you that you should wear a certain formula of clothing or particular outfits. What I do is educate you on all aspects of color and style so that you can define and refine your own personal style.
Remember that we appreciate authenticity in others, so they will appreciate it in us as well.
Blending in makes you forgettable and invisible in many ways. You may think you want this invisibility cloak. But it’s unlikely that the opportunities you crave will come your way when you’re trying to fit-in, and squashing your own personality into a different shape than the one it is naturally won’t have anyone seeing and appreciating your natural gifts.
Discover Your Unique Style
If you’d love to discover how to express your personality through your clothing, so you’re dressing in a way that’s authentic to you, then I’d love to invite you to join 7 Steps to Style, which is packed with useful tools and techniques to helping you figure out who you are and how you want to dress in a way that feels authentic to you. When you’re dressing in a way that’s authentic you’ll have more confidence as you won’t feel like you’re hiding yourself or trying to be someone else (which as Brene says – is unsustainable). You won’t have to worry about cracks appearing in your facade because your style is a robust representation of you.
