I awoke this morning with the song "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redman looping through my brain - specifically the lyric "The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning, it's time to sing your song again - whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes."I love the promise of a new day and the reminder that it's a type of blank slate. Yesterday has passed and all that is controllable is in the present, this moment. That concept isn't new to anyone (obviously) but sometimes it takes a HUGE attitude shift to get me to the point where I'm able to accept the fact that yesterday is gone.
I've been known to dwell in the past, A LOT, and allow myself to play the victim. Over the years, my outlook has changed as well as my heart which makes it much easier to look toward the future with joy and expectation. Lately as I've been processing some deep-seated emotions specifically in my resistance to change I've recognized that most of my hesitation and pride comes from a place of complete unwillingness.
I'm unwilling to allow God to use me in the ways that He wants.
I'm unwilling to adjust my expectations or my ideals because that would in essence be admitting that I'm wrong.
I'm unwilling to surrender to the often times painful process of change.
But the thing that I notice when I once again get to a place where there's nothing left to do but surrender; when I'm literally on my knees in tears crying out to the Lord for help, guidance, or for SOMETHING to change (ironic, right?), is how quickly He responds.
Like it's what He's been waiting for all along.
"Surrender Lauren. Become willing. I'll take it from here."
And when I reach that place of complete and utter hopelessness and allow myself to admit that I am not to be trusted in the driver's seat, things become clear. Almost instantly.
So why do I keep resisting change? Who the heck knows. Perhaps it's in my DNA or just a human trait that I'll always be battling. But it's encouraging to know that God is waiting... no matter how much I drag my feet, kicking and screaming, on my way to surrender.
All I know is that today, I am ending the day singing because I am surrendered and grateful and ready for whatever is next. Even if what's next pushes me beyond where my human heart is willing to go.
