Love can be defined, not necessarily by longevity or a wedding ceremony, but how one responds to a particular moment in time: the recognition that in search of truth, a very difficult path, one of you needs immeasurable space and solitude. Do you hold on for your own happiness, or let them go – for theirs?
I’m picking up the pieces. Sitting out here in the cool, morning air, sipping ginger, lime and honey tea, beginning to think less about what could have been and how shit that makes me feel, and more about the extra oils I’ve ordered for my experiment with home-made ayurvedic concoctions. Wondering where I should get some lavender plants from, and how many I might need to subsidise the potential demand for Pinda Sweda treatments. I’m thinking about the website, how things have changed and how best to present that. A couple of clients are in the calendar, and I’m enjoying that feeling of excitement and anticipation over what’s to come.
Flooring in the shed is done, therepeutic and base oils in boxes on the desk, and all of these things are important indicators that I’m healing, that I’m clearing space and preparing myself for something new….something that I’ve wanted and worked towards for a long time.
My yoga mat’s rolled up by the front door, ready for an ashtanga led class at the community center in half an hour, I’m booked in for a massage myself at the end of the week, a Kirtan night reserved the week after that. The Buddhist center on my list of places to visit and a sense that actually, what everyone says, and what you tell yourself over and over again through difficult times….is actually true. Everything will be ok.
I’m changing my perception on things. The self-doubt and hurt confidence, turning into something else. By learning that these destructive emotions are self-perpetuated, I’m taking responsibility for that and in doing so – I can change them. For the first time in my life, I’m beginning to actually feel that I deserve to be loved in a way that I’m capable of loving.
If that takes time and more practice, then so be it. Right now there’s another part of me that I need to focus on. Following my heart on a different path. One that takes me deeper into this world I love so much. The world of yoga and meditation, Ayurveda and singing. Facing demons and being still through tempestuous conditions. It is on this path that I find great, expanding happiness.
