Humor Magazine

Financial Opportunity

By Themightyf @themightyfblog

I’ve always thought that one of the greatest tragedies of all these email scams is that they hurt all the dignitaries out there who really do need your assistance regarding a sensitive financial matter. Consider the following…

Greetings Blessed Benefactor,

My name is Barrister John Smyth. I hail from a small village in West Africa and I need your help with a highly sensitive financial matter.

Please do not delete this! Allow me to explain…

I know what you’re thinking, “This sounds like one of those Internet scams originating out of West Africa wherein the scammer promises a large sum of money for a small one-time investment…” etc.

You’re not going to believe this, but I actually am a barrister, I actually did find you through an Internet search, and I actually do need your help to secure a most munificent transfer of funds. What are the odds, am I correct?

Please do not let the misdeeds of others or the astronomical odds of you being selected for this generous, unsolicited financial opportunity taint the integrity of this very important message.

As for the situation at hand, it is a long story but I’ll give you the short version.

My father, the great and revered King Zed, fell victim last year to a despicable plot of murder most foul at the hands of a bloodthirsty warlord who will stop at nothing in his devious quest for power. This same warlord is now pursuing myself and a small group of dignitaries who have banded together to stop nefarious elements from overrunning our peaceable region.

My family’s assets seized and personal funds frozen, I have taken to the jungle on the outskirts of our village; which thankfully now has an Internet café due to a recent boom in eco-tourism in our area. Apparently people are flocking to see a certain kind of beetle or something. This is besides my point.

Anyways after many painstaking hours using the search engine, Google, I found you, my friend, whom I have deemed dependable and worthy of this most important task – which I have not yet detailed but plan on explaining later on after this lengthy but crucial paragraph. How did I decide on you, you ask? I found your most trustworthy sounding name, and was impressed that you have achieved a great many accomplishments and feats which have been archived by the World Wide Web. On Facebook, I saw that in addition to owning a great many cats, you listed under ‘Education’ several degrees and honors from Harvard University. I found you on LinkedIn, where you listed your impressive sounding work at Starbucks, a very famous and honorable company indeed. I also saw your MySpace page which featured several songs that you claimed were “old stuff from my old band ‘The Talliewhackerzzz’” but I found very much modern and agreeable.

So, friend, I hope this sufficiently explains the reason I am writing you today and prepares you for the task which I will presently ask you to kindly consider undertaking.

If you will wire me the sum of U.S. $1,000 via Western Union, this will enable me to set my plan into action. This plan, which I assure you is quite good, will surely result in the full and final defeat of this evil warlord and his men and help to ensure the future peace and stability of our humble village. Upon completion of these events, my funds will be freed and I will gladly wire you a grateful sum in the amount of U.S. $1,000,000 to reward your steadfast faithfulness during my hour of need.

What do you think?

This is the noble mission that has been laid before you. A village hangs in the balance.

I await your affirmative response.

Kindest Regards,

Barrister John Smyth

Filed under: F Commentary, Foreign Lands Tagged: email scams, fiction, humor, Internet, social media, technology

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