Humor Magazine

Fifty More Ways to Leave Your Lover

By Japecake

Fifty More Ways to Leave Your Lover

Alien abduction, feigned

Alien abduction, actual

Amnesia and short-term memory loss

Amnesia and short-term memory loss

Amnesia and short-term memory loss

Arbitration, binding

Arbitration, non-binding


Barrel over Niagara Falls


Boiling the pet rabbit on the stove to be discovered by the family upon their return

Breakup clues secretly incorporated into the New York Times crossword

Cake in the shape of a broken heart with strawberry blood, inscribed “It’s over” in black frosting


Changing the locks on your shared canal

Civil War re-enactment “accident”

Coffee-can stilts


Death Divorce by chocolate

Diving into the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese and swimming away

Extra-large self-addressed stamped envelope

Five hundred balloons strapped to a lawn chair

Getting sucked into a huge intake pipe after falling into the chocolate river after being expressly forbidden to drink from the chocolate river

Going out for cigarettes, coming back with the guy who sold you your cigarettes, and a U-Haul

Hang glider with red, white, and blue smoke canisters

Hovercraft, accompanied by your new lover, a licensed hovercraft pilot

ICBM (Inter-condominium ballistic missile)

Leaping onto a moving carousel (only works for one rotation)


Pogo stick

Pumpkin carriage drawn by mice

Railroad handcar, accompanied your new lover, who sports enormous, handcar-hardened biceps

Rest-stop abandonment

Shot from a cannon

Shot by a cannon

Smoke and mirrors

Surrey with a fringe on top

Fringeless surrey

Sending in your exact double to sustain the relationship on your behalf

Shriner’s mini-car

Stairway to Heaven

Bridge to nowhere, which you burn once you get there

Producing and starring in an infomercial for the “Ten-Minute Relationship-Ending Miracle”

Stiffing them with the check

Stiffing them with a Czech

Up the side of a glass skyscraper, with suction cups

“Unfriending” right as you climax together

Yellow submarine

Yellow Subaru

Yugo at the top of a steep hill

On zebraback

Just stay and suffer in silence

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