Talking to your child about your illness or that of your spouse is one of the most difficult tasks any parent may have to do. Yet, according to the experts, it is a very necessary conversation.
Why? Because a parent’s illness causes disruption in family life.
Children sense when something is wrong. When no one speaks to them about what is wrong they imagine all sorts of things.
They may have to spend large amounts of time in the care of other family members and friends. If so, children need and deserve some explanation of why this is necessary. They need to know why you may not be able to attend a school function or watch them in a sports event.
According to the professionals there is no right or wrong time to talk to children at any age about serious illness. Just be aware of what your child can and cannot understand based on his or her age. They offer the following suggestions by age:
3 and Under
Infants are sensitive to changes in their routine and to who is physically taking care of them. It is important to try to keep an infant in familiar surroundings as much as possible and try not to expose the baby to many different people.
Children under the age of two and a half years can sense a change in something but usually cannot put it into words.Try to spend as much time as the illness permits with a child of this age. You need to arrange a consistent person with whom the child is familiar to spend time doing what the child enjoys.
3 to 5
Children in this age group react mostly to their feelings rather than to facts. It is important to explain and reinforce that they did not do anything to cause the illness.
Be concrete and brief. Their attention span is limited, and you can always repeat the information at another time.
Children at this age have many questions about everything so make sure you include some time to answer their questions. They can be very sensitive to changes in people’s moods so do not assume that you are hiding anything from them.
Children are also very physical at this age with their unrelenting amounts of energy. A good strategy is to encourage physical activity. It usually helps release a number of feelings.
5 to 8
It is important to give factual information about the illness and as children this age are capable of understanding many of the body functions from their school studies. It is important to prepare explanations before speaking with children in this age range since their questions will be very exact and will include a lot of “why” questions.
Children at this age may be upset that the illness will disrupt their activities, but can be receptive to flexibility when given good reasons. They may have questions about who will take care of them in the absence of the ill parent or during treatment times, such as “Who will drive me to school? Who will pick me up? Who will make my lunch? Arrangements should be made with someone who the children are comfortable with who can temporarily take over these tasks.
If you do not feel comfortable having this kind of discussion with your child(ren) you can speak with your physician or a social worker or other mental health professional and ask for guidance,
There are books that address talking to your child about serious illness. Your librarian can help you find what you need.
Children want to be helpful. They can be a real comfort once they understand.
