I’m tired.
Actually, I take that back.
I’m exhausted.
I feel drained physically, mentally, and emotionally.
My friend Kat bugged me the other day about the fact that I never seem to be free to hang out.
“I feel like I need to be dating you to get any time with you,” she said.
Well, there’s something to that statement.
Man, I wish the reason I was so exhausted was because I was so busy with all the people I’m seeing. Actually, saying I’m ‘seeing’ them is a bit of a misnomer, cos I don’t really see anyone as much as I would like to.
I’m exhausted, because of work.
When Finn and I separated, the financial load on my shoulders increased greatly. I knew it would. It was actually a fear of that which kept me in my marriage for so long. I have managed pretty good since then, but barely. I have sold the last pieces of gold that I could get money for. I have used up all my credit and have been unable to make payments for the last six months. I’m consulting with a debt consolidation service, but I need to earn enough (meaning, pay my expenses and a minimum monthly payment) three months in a row in order to qualify for their consideration.
Since moving to the city last summer, I spent two months underemployed, worked almost every day from the end of October to the beginning of January (with an exception for Dec 25th), and then since mid February till now with only ONE full day off. That’s a lot of work. Is it any wonder my body, my mind, my heart, all feel so numb right now?
I’m scared.
I’m scared to make a change with my work situation because it could put me back into the realm of Unknowable Finances.
And yet, I know that a change is needed so desperately.
I need to let go of the things that don’t nourish me, and nurture the things in my life that do.
Relationships nourish me. I learn so much from time spent with partners and with my extended community of creative and spiritual people. I grow so much from forming new connections, from exploring and getting to know someone else- whether as a friend or as a lover. And there are so many amazing things in this city that I am missing out on because I am exhausted.
My body is protesting at me. My hair has been falling out- alopecia aerata is an unfortunate way of my body’s immune system reacting to stress. Thank god I have so much thick hair that it’s hard to notice. My right hip has been seizing up- all the way from the hip flexors, down the glutes, and through to the hamstrings, it feels like there is a steel rod pushing around on my insides. It makes it hard to sit, to lie down, to stand. Only moving constantly seems to take away the pain. Or, curling up in a ball and sobbing my heart out.
My heart is screaming at me, and I don’t know why. I tried to journal today. When I journal, I often ask myself questions, especially if something has been happening that perplexes me. The conversation with myself today didn’t get far. My heart was crying hysterically, and unstoppably. I was out in public while I journalled, and couldn’t bring myself to do the public crying thing, and so ended up feeling just really numb. Bubbling under the surface I see all sorts of pain and insecurities coming up for me. Past wounds. Past fears. And they make me feel so incredibly alone.
I wish I had the time and the energy to do all the things. I really wish I wasn’t working seven days a week to make ends meet, that I could be financially secure by working only four days a week, and could spend more time with friends and lovers, having new experiences, learning, growing.
I’ve been experiencing a lot of envy surrounding people who do have the time to do this. Orion and Miranda have been spending a lot of time together, as well as each having time to go on a few date-zeros. I’m not jealous that Orion is spending time with Miranda. I’m jealous that they are having beautiful, transformative experiences together and I’m not having them with anyone, at least not right now. Emma is out of town visiting lovers and family. Loki has had a busy week with family and some crazy work things and an out-of-town commitment. I’m still exploring what my dynamic with Haru will be, and doing so gently and slowly since, right now, I seem to be so drained as it is. And, despite there being a plethora of other connections dropping into my awareness right now, I know I cannot give any attention to them right now.
The last time I felt so utterly empty was last summer when I was dating Nate and C-C, and I made some stupid choices in how I treated each of them, mainly because I just wasn’t thinking. I am determined not to make those same errors again with any other partners.
I feel I am missing out, and I’m tired, and my inner selfish six year old self comes out and wants to stomp her feet and cry and shout till someone picks her up and holds her. The scream comes out as anger, but what’s behind it is pain. It’s the pain of the past catching up with me. It is the pain of a longing that I’m not sure will ever be possible to fulfill. It is the pain of feeling incredibly alone in a crowd. It is the pain of wishing I could be doing things differently than I am right now, but not knowing what that looks like.
Coasting along on auto pilot doesn’t last forever. Something’s gotta give. Something’s gotta change. I sense a paradigm shift coming in my life and I have no idea what it is. I just know that it has to come. Because these things can’t stay the same.
