Everyone I know is completely freaking out about the election, but I’m 100% sure that Barack Obama is going to win. I also trust 100% in Nate Silver. In any case, I’m not even going to eat it if Nate Silver and I are wrong, that’s how confident I am. Although I would eat Matt Romney. What?
What I am freaking out about is the pressure of being a dog owner. In honor of that, I’m put together a list of 25 reasons why you shouldn’t get a dog, in case you’re thinking about it.
1. Today, I walked into my apartment after a lunch date, and noticed immediately that it smelled like shit.
2. Within milliseconds, I also noticed that our new carpet was covered in streaks of shit.
3. And our couch.
4. And my favorite throw blanket.
5. “Franke, you’re a bad girl,” I said, and picked her up so that I could rub her nose in it.
6. (That’s how you discipline animals, I think)
7. Upon picking her up, the smell of shit got stronger. I looked down at my gray J.Crew cashmere scarf and my down jacket, and saw that they were also covered in shit.
8. I flipped Franke over, and saw that there was a huge, wet turd encrusted in the long hair around her ass.
9. Caleb and I have been saving money, so we haven’t been grooming Franke that much, because dog grooming costs more than a haircut for a human.
10. When you don’t groom a long haired dog, the hair around their anuses starts to capture things, like huge wet turds.
11. Franke, I guess, tried to take a shit on the carpet, and the turd got stuck.
12. She didn’t like the smell anymore than I did, so she proceeded to try to rub it off on EVERY SURFACE in the entire apartment.
13. All of our fancy designer furniture.
14. I immediately brought Franke to the bathroom, where I tried to take off the turd with a piece of toilet paper.
15. But it was really crusted on there.
16. So I had to put her in the bath, and soak her ass until the shit softened.
17. Then I had to rub it off with my fingers.
18. While she cried like a terrified toddler being molested by a full grown adult monster.
19. And tried to bite off my fingers.
20. Pretty soon, the bathtub go clogged.
21. So I had to finish the job in the kitchen sink.
22. After which, I had to blow dry Franke.
23. Throw out my clothing
24. And scrub down every surface of the house
25. While Franke begged me for a treat.
Still want an adorable tiny animal that you can take pictures of and post on Instagram? Too bad, because even though animals are a lot of work, I’m keeping mine. If I had a baby human, however…
