Virtually everyone desires a connection with others. Relationships with family, friends, co-workers, neighbors and lovers contribute heavily to providing crucial emotional support, reducing stress, providing an outlet for feelings and a means of self-expression- and are considered key to one’s happiness. So what must it be like for those who are socially isolated and often find themselves on the outside, looking in at their peers who have those connections to others? Most of us would not want to even imagine such an existence, or what we might be like if we were the ones living it.
This was apparently the world of Elliot Rodger. Yes, he was born to privilege and grew up with the benefits and material trappings that many of his peers did not. But none of that could fill the emptiness, and feeling so close yet so far must have only made it worse. Add to that the probability that he was at the very least emotionally disturbed. This term does not necessarily imply he had a major mental illness, but that is also a possibility. He was 22, which falls into the typical range of age of onset for mental illness- and there had been increasing incidents and disturbing thoughts for some time that are clues to someone being at risk for a major psychotic break. However, it is nearly impossible to know who is at risk for the path he ultimately took- to become a mass murderer in order to act out the feelings of rage that grew from his isolation. However, chronic and lifelong loneliness affects anyone who lives it and there is a cautionary tale for everyone in this extreme example.
We need others. This need does not mean that it’s necessary to have many close friends- just a few satisfying friendships will do nicely. Positive relationships with neighbors, co-workers, and acquaintances all help to make our daily lives more productive, fulfilling, and help us to feel better about ourselves and the environment in which we live. We do not need to be the most popular or get along with everyone- it’s not even realistic to think this is possible. There will always be people who don’t like us or who we can’t relate to- however our good relationships balance that out and help us know it isn’t necessarily us and that we are OK even if that person doesn’t care for us.
Closeness to others helps us to meet our needs and makes even the hardest challenge or difficult day a little easier because there is someone who cares and is there for us, and believes in us. We have the comfort that comes with feeling valued and loved- and somehow the world is not too scary or empty because of it.
Take all that away- and where would any of us be? Most of us would survive, but existing is not the same as living a life of quality- one with experiences of happiness and joy that can only come when we are truly present and in the moment with someone we care deeply for.
Take care to build and nurture your relationships and don’t take them for granted or neglect them. The next time you encounter someone who seems ill at ease, perhaps awkward and on the outside of the group- try offering a smile and a warm hello. That small connection could help them to feel less alone and to believe that connecting with others and experiencing the happiness that comes from it could be possible for them.
