Dumb Stuff the Weather Guy Says

Winter is coming – everyone’s least favorite season. Between the snow and cold, we get to deal with falling on our asses because of ice, and shoveling tons of white crap off our walkways. Unless you live in Florida, of course. I excluded California since they shovel tons of white shit year-round.

See, it does snow in California

Weather people are supposed to help us deal with the random crap Mother Nature tosses at us each week. In practice, they’re supposed to arm us with knowledge so we can bring an umbrella when it rains. In reality, meteorologists are up there with politicians when it comes to being wrong without getting fired. Some of the twaddle that they say ranks up there with Jamaican phone psychics dressed in fruity-pattered muumuus.

Obligatory weather guy dick joke

“Today we’ll see a mix of sun and clouds.”

No shit, Sherlock. This is the equivalent of saying that within a 24-hour period, you can expect light and darkness. Stopped clocks are correct twice a day, dude. These people spent four years in college to drop this wisdom on us.

Nice work, Kim Il

“Some folks might see some heavy downpours today in some areas.”

This prognostication is generally followed by a big wave of an arm over about half the continental US. Odds then favor this dilweed’s prediction, right?

Droppin’ that weather forcast like a mofo

“We got a system of high pressure moving in across the region over night.”

Cue the David Bowie music… or Vanilla Ice, which would be far more appropriate during the winter. Come to think of it, they ought to rap the weather forecast while the sports anchor beatboxes off-camera.

Cold front – with pokies

“We got a cold front moving in later this evening.”

Oh, your mother-in-law is coming for Thanksgiving? Sweet. Enjoy shivering your ass off in the garage with a beer while you avoid the passive aggression hurled your way.

And now over to Dick, with the weather

“We’re expecting it to be partly cloudy this afternoon.”

Always with the negativity, these people. They could say it will be partly sunny, right? Also, does one solitary turdlet of cloud make the weather person correct? Definitions are important, sort of like the meaning of the word, ‘is.’

Also known as ‘spring’ in New England

“We’re at freezing right now, but the wind chill outside is below zero.”

This statement has little meaning for anyone outside of New England or Canada. Anything below the point where water becomes solid is just fucking cold, period. Measuring that is pointless. The ice doesn’t get any harder, right?

This had to be intentional

“Folks in Assabanga County you are under a severe weather alert, so please take shelter immediately!”

‘Severe’ is the weather person’s favorite word. It adds drama to the smoke-and-mirror hand dance routine they do on the green screen. However, what’s the value of this warning if you have a Cat-5 tornado shredding your trailer park? Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Average day in Kansas

“We’re gonna see some heavy wind gusts sweeping through the area.”

Really? Wind is everywhere because air moves, so one man’s ‘heavy wind’ is another man’s post-burrito fart. In places like Kansas, people get excited when the wind stops blowing.

All bitching and moaning aside, you know what works really well for weather prediction? Look out the window.