The American Psychological’s Journal of Family Psychology has just published a study conducted by researchers at UCLA who found that women with cold feet before their weddings were 2.5 times more likely to divorce then those who felt confident about their decision to marry. What’s interesting is that a high percentage of men report that they felt uncertain as well but this did not translate into as high a risk of divorce for them. Hummm, what is it we always say about women and their instincts? Nineteen percent of women who were uncertain before they said “I do” ended up divorced within four years. For the guys, it was only 14 percent. Yes, this is statistically significant.
As a psychotherapist and relationship coach I am not the least bit surprised by this study- except that I would have estimated the divorce rate to be higher for both women and men with pre-wedding doubts. It’s not unusual for a woman to seek my help for her troubled marriage after anywhere from 2 months to 2 or 3 years after tying the knot. When we discuss the courtship and their choice of partner, they often talk about unresolved issues and often serious concerns that they took down the aisle with them. Yes, there are those couples who are blindsided by the problems that lead them to consider divorce, but in my experience, most are not.
Bottom line- if you have real doubts, concerns, unresolved issues and find yourself either rationalizing them or telling yourself they will resolve AFTER you are married- STOP, THINK, and GET HELP to address them before vowing to stay together “till death due us part.” Otherwise, your love story will become another sad statistic and will leave you picking up the pieces of a shattered dream. It could also leave you more vulnerable to making bad relationship choices in the future.
