I was sure my what now was adoption!
After losing my baby girl I thought that we were being called into adoption. Ironically, right around the time we were experiencing the most devastating thing of our lives a friend of mine was announcing her commitment to adopt a little girl through Reece's Rainbow who has Down Syndrome. I was intrigued by this and I began looking at the sweet faces of children who longed for forever homes to spare them being institutionalized in their country by the time they turned 5. I even picked out a little boy who I wanted to commit to.
His name is Nikita and I found out he's still waiting for his family. We really seriously looked into doing this. Finding out the cost of doing it and what not. My husband was apprehensive about taking on a child who had special needs. However, it just seemed that was what we were being called to do. We never found out for sure what caused our sweet Celeste to leave us so soon, but we do know that there was a possibility of a genetic defect as one of her hands the fingers were fused together. We had dealt with many different things with our other three children through the years and I felt whatever was thrown at us we could handle. I watched this sweet face and longed to bring him into our home. Ultimately financially it just wasn't a possibility for us. Just to get the home study we had to come up with over $1000. Not to mention all of the other fees that come after. Which of course we could do fundraising for, but the amount of time we would need to spend in another country waiting to bring him home was just not feasible for us. My husband couldn't take that kind of time off from work and we had three older children at home. I was sure he would round out our family nicely though. And I'm not so sure that he still wouldn't have a place in our family. Even after adding another biological child I would love to adopt!
Of course we have ultimately gone on to add another biological child to the mix. And that pregnancy was filled with udder worry the entire time. Even after we made it past that 20 week mark each week was an absolute triumph. Her birth was an absolute miracle and blessing. And I know that she wouldn't be here had Celeste survived which of course I can't imagine, but I also am heartbroken about what could have been. And I still wonder if I am supposed to do something more after experiencing such a tragic loss. Are we supposed to provide Nikita with a forever family? Are we supposed to counsel others who have experienced this same kind of loss? Am I supposed to advocate for the precious lives that women choose to abort for various different reasons? I do feel that my views on abortion have changed since losing my little angel. I held that 20 week old baby in my arms and I could see her brother and sisters in her already. While I know most abortions are done well before 20 weeks I think so many people don't realize it is life. Even my little Celeste never would have survived outside of the womb, but I fell in love with her the moment I saw her because she was a part of me and my husband.
The loss of a baby forever changes a person!
Really, until you have lived through it I don't think anyone can know how much of an affect a loss has on a person. Even three years later I am still trying to figure out what to do to honor and learn from my loss. I do know that when I was sure that I had to adopt that the idea of actually being pregnant again petrified me. There was a hole in my heart that I thought needed to be filled with another child. Of course you can never replace the baby you lost. Maybe I will forever have this hole in my heart. But I know now that all those times I tried to be understanding to friends who had experienced a loss I had no idea how hard that was for them. How long the suffering actually lasts. And all the numerous what ifs that go through a woman's mind. Thankfully I was able to go on and have another biological child. But that doesn't resolve all of that pain. It's just different.
Have you experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth? Did it change your beliefs on things? Did it make you want to adopt so you could avoid that pain again?
