I’ve been inspired folks. Well I say inspired but more I read something today that made me think and do some light reading, which in turn turned into heavy reading and well here we are.
I read the following:
Is nice really enough? Logic states yes, but the heart may query. Fireworks burn fingers, but let’s face it – it’s fun.
This is the type of stuff you can read anywhere and not blink. However the source of this wasn’t random. It was written by a young lady after we’d had a date or two. I didn’t read it at the time but it has since been brought to my attention. When I say it was brought to my attention I literally just stumbled across it, Google is a bizarre thing at times. As an aside here a few weeks ago I was Googling for some advice and the top result was a blog I had written on the topic last year. So I read my own advice. It was brilliant (if I do say so myself).
So yes a young lady with whom I’d had a date or two was struggling to decide whether the fact I was a nice guy was enough for her or whether she wanted and needed someone more fun. As things turned out she would need someone more fun (or maybe just not me) and as far as I’m aware she is extremely happy with another guy so things worked out well for her. However this is not a story about my experience in this situation but more a look at the whole issue of being a ‘nice guy’ and what it really means.
The thing is there can be a distinct difference between genuinely decent people (men and women) and people who like to think of themselves as just that. Now I’m not going to sit here and type that I’m a nice guy – that isn’t for me to judge – but I will say that in the past some people have commented that I am (and in all fairness a not insignificant amount of others have said the polar opposite). I know my personality traits and I know my good and bad points.
When I was younger (and frankly more immature) I used to really lament the fact that others had partners and I did not. I thought it was unfair. I thought being a decent person was enough but then you look back and think ‘was I really a decent person?’ If I’m sitting there stewing about how unfair things are and how unfair it is that others to whom I deemed myself ‘better’ or ‘nicer’ were with great women then was I really being nice? Maybe not.
Now on my travels around the interwebs this afternoon I came across a quite startling and fascinating piece by a LiveJournal user called DivaLion which speaks about the differences between Nice Guys and nice guys. Boom. I saw bits of myself in that piece but more bits of myself from my past. I also saw bits of many people that I know in there. Many men (and to some degree women) complain about being ‘too nice’ or stuck in the friend-zone like it is one big travesty.
Well you know what. It isn’t. Just because someone to whom you had developed feelings doesn’t reciprocate them it doesn’t mean the world is unfair. It is what it is. Some guys that I know (myself included) have had women take interest in them but they didn’t have interest back. So these things work both ways. Just because you think you are a decent guy doesn’t mean everyone whom you are interested in should fall at your feet.
Personally speaking I have lost count of the amount of women who have said things like ‘you’d be an amazing boyfriend for someone’ but then they have shown no interest in me. In my head I hear ‘you’d be an amazing boyfriend but for someone else obviously – I’m not that desperate’ but that is totally unfair and my brain has had to learn that this isn’t what they are saying. Just because someone thinks that someone else would make a great partner doesn’t mean that they themselves think that a person would be a great partner for them.
We are indeed all different. That is what makes our species wonderful. We all look for different things in a partner and need different traits. Some people need sparks to fly early doors and some don’t. Some feelings burn bright from day one and others burn dimly before gathering strength in time.
Often the quote unquote ‘nice guy’ is quiet and shy. These people often become infatuated with someone and instead of doing the healthy thing and getting to know that person more by talking to them and spending time with them – or just plain asking them out. Instead of that they create this kind of fantasy world where they think that all these things could happen with said person they have become infatuated with and blaming everyone else and the world for that fantasy world not being reality. I know. I’ve been there.
This my friends is not healthy and is just flat out weird and creepy. What these people have to understand is how they would feel if the situations were reversed. If you would be weirded out and/or creeped out then really it is a no brainer. You are being weird and not acting in a way that could be described as genuinely nice and just flat out wrong.
So it is time for me to hand out some advice from someone who has in the past blamed the world and the female of the species for not being lucky in love. The thing is folks it isn’t the world’s fault, nor it is the female of the species fault. The only constant is me and whilst I’m not saying it is my fault, I am saying that I haven’t exactly been blameless in all this.
First things first. No-one owes you anything. If you like someone and they don’t like you back in that way then they are not to blame, no-one is. Just because you’ve given it your all (either in your fantasy world) or in reality and they don’t love you back then that is just the way it is. Just because you think you’d be a better partner than their current beau it doesn’t mean jack shit.
Secondly no-one owes you anything. Ok that is exactly the same as the first thing but it is so important I thought I’d say it twice (at this point I’d like to give a knowing nod to a recurring joke from the sixth season of Red Dwarf).
Thirdly many many women do actually like nice guys. Yes there are those who do genuinely have a thing for bad guys and love the thrill and unpredictability of it all and if you are infatuated with one of those women and you don’t have any of those personality traits then you know what – it might not be a great match. It should be noted here that some women can like the bad boy but in time their desires change and they’ll change the type of partner that they go for.
The fourth thing I want to say is that women aren’t bitches if they don’t love you. I haven’t exactly asked out a plethora of women in my time but I can’t recall one who turned me down doing it in any other way than extremely gently. Just because they don’t want to go out with you it doesn’t mean that you are awful or they are awful it just means that at the time of asking they do not want to go on a date with you. This could be because they are seeing someone else, they don’t find you attractive, they don’t believe that you are worth their time or whatever. The main point is the so called ‘nice guy’ doesn’t accept all offers of a date so why should anyone else? Why are we entitled to that? The fact is we aren’t.
Fifth thing is a biggie – do not live in a fucking creepy fantasy world. If you like someone then ask them out or if you are already close tell them about your feelings. At this point you’ll quickly find out where you stand and if things go well you can progress to another level and if not then at least you know and you can deal with it instead of living in this fantasy world where you think ‘if only this was different and this and this and this…’ Also there is no ideal time. There is never an ideal time so just bite the bullet and deal with it. You’d be surprised how many women even if they don’t find you attractive would find it sweet and nice and they would prefer that to knowing that you were lusting after them but in a creepy way behind their back.
There is no point moping about life being unfair and how you deserve happiness more than other people who you perceive (either correctly or incorrectly) as jerks. In my late teens and early twenties I was guilty of this. Looking back I can see that. I’d like to think I have moved on from this and don’t think anyone owes me anything. If I ask out a woman and they say no or I have a date and say they don’t want to see me again or that they only see me as a friend then I would hope (and do think) that I take that in my stride.
My best advice is clearly about biting the bullet and not taking rejection personally. We have all rejected people in life either romantically or even in general friendship senses. If we are allowed to reject others then surely others are allowed to reject us. Rejection is just part of life and when it happens there is little point blaming it on others or the world. Best thing to do is move on and if you genuinely care about someone who has rejected you then the best thing to do is respect their wishes – whether it is to leave them totally alone or take a step back or to remain as close friends. Whatever. The important thing is to respect the other person’s wishes because if you don’t then it is probably likely that you never genuinely care for them in the first place.
With that I shall wind this down. Life isn’t easy and relationships even less so but genuinely nice guys do not finish last. Genuinely nice guys often finish first. The problem is many people who identify themselves as nice are just not that nice or decent. On a personal level I like to think that I have gone through my creepy nice guy phase and that I am a relatively decent guy who doesn’t blame the world or blame a potential partner for rejecting my advances. I like to think I respect the wishes of people I care for but like I said earlier – that isn’t for me to judge. I just think in time a lot of people who blame everyone else for their woes will realize that at times things just happen – good and bad – and it is how we deal with them that shows our true colours. Also a bit of maturity and experience helps a wee bit and we all get that in time…
