Dating Magazine

Deconstructing Definitions

By Polysingleish @PolySingleish

Life would get very boring if we didn’t keep learning new things about ourselves.

I’ve been trying to remember when the first time I learnt about bisexuality was.

It might have been when I was in my last year of high school and in a dinner theater production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. The actor playing Oberon seemed to flirt with both men and women amongst the cast, and someone around that time mentioned to me, ever so casually, “Oh yeah, that’s cos he’s bi.”

What a revelation! There were other people out there who were turned on by both men and women?

I began to quietly identify as bisexual, and only talked about it with a handful of close friends. I wrote extensive poetry about my girl-on-girl fantasies whilst I was in University. I made out with some female friends a handful of times, but nothing really happened with it till I began exploring non monogamy and started having threesomes. And, when Finn and I separated, I decided that I wanted to focus on dating women.

I’m questioning that now.

Am I attracted to women? My god yes. There are some women I know who I find incredibly sexy, and would love to make out with. But, one on one, my experiences haven’t been that great. It’s… a chemistry thing. I so quickly fall into a ‘friend zone’ kind of groove. The only time the makeouts start is when one or more parties are intoxicated. And I am so done with drunken lesbian makeouts. As for my experiences dating women one on one… Well, they have lacked the excitement and anticipation I feel when dating men. It would appear that there just isn’t enough chemistry unless there’s alcohol involved, and even then, something’s missing.

On the other hand, my experiences in threesomes have had some amazing chemistry. Ok, there’s been the ‘meh’ threesomes, I’ll admit. But there’s also been some mind blowingly delicious ones too.

Where does this leave me?


Whereas, when I was married, I thought of myself as a 4 on the kinsey scale, and then started to think of myself as more of a 3, maybe, after all, I’m a 2, or 2.5. Intimate things with women happen. It’s not accidental or incidental. I like it. I enjoy it. It’s fun. But, it turns out it ain’t my main bag after all.

Am I back to being the fabled unicorn? Whaddya know. It would seem so.

Something in the dynamic of having a man present makes things… different. I mean, they don’t even have to be participating. They don’t even have to be watching. They could be asleep next to us. Maybe it’s a pheromone thing. But unless there’s a male presence, it just doesn’t quite work for me.

Am I gonna go change my okcupid and fetlife accounts now? Will I be openly advertising myself as heteroflexible bi unicorn avaliable for threesomes? No.

I don’t want random hookups. And having a threesome that works for everyone involved doesn’t just happen at the drop of a hat.

But having told myself that threesomes were off the agenda till I’d explored more one-on-one time with women, I think it is safe to say they are very much back on.

And who says it has to stop at three?


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