Dear Kim Kardashian

Dear Kim,

First, please allow me to congratulate you on the recent news of your pregnancy. How exciting for you. You must be glowing and overjoyed, but was this such a newsworthy event that it needed to be announced in every media outlet known to man. Unless you’re Amish, you’ve heard about it in some way, shape or form. Kim, I’m not sure if you will read this or not, but if you do, please make sure that you have someone around to help you with the big words.

Now Kim, I know this is hard for you to swallow, but you are not giving birth to Jesus. And furthermore, being married to one guy, dating another and then getting knocked up all at the same time, puts the K in Klass. Being called baby mama just puts icing on your white trash cake. You really are no better than Honey Boo Boo. At least Honey Boo Boo and her mother are keepin it real. The ONLY positive thing that has come out of your life as a media whore is that now we don’t have to see Paris Hilton with that stupid nervous little rat that she carried around. You’ve knocked her out of the spotlight like Tom Brady getting sacked. Thank you for that. Now I wish for you to go away. There is not enough Zofran in the world to keep me from being nauseated at the sight of you. No words can describe your flagrant and shameless display of wealth that is thrown in everyone’s face, day in and day out. You see Kim, I’ve had a lot more time on my hands that I’m used to. It is difficult for me to do the simplest of things in life right now. Your fabulous life is in my face all of the time and I’m sick of it. I can’t turn on the TV or my iPad without seeing you, Kanye or another member of your PR seeking gene pool you call your family, doing something stupid and mundane while carrying one of the several Birkins that you own. You and your family obviously posses the K chromosome, a newly discovered rare chromosome that breeds greed and self importance. If your momager could put your name on it and sell at Sears, she would.

Your 72 day publicity stunt that you refer to as a marriage is gross. The wedding itself was way over-the-top and excessive. Truthfully though, I really didn’t mind that…I appreciate a well executed party, but I really wish that you would start to be honest. We all know that you got married to make money. It was the Pièce de résistance of appearances for you. People probably would have more respect for you if you would come clean. Stop trying to convince yourself that it was for love. The fact that you actually had a gift registry is so bizarre to me that I still cannot wrap my head around it. You have so much, and still ask for more. How much will be enough for you? The amount of money that you made off of that wedding could have really helped many in need. An “in lieu of gifts please donate money to XYZ charity” should have been prominently displayed on your invitation. You make soooo much money on your stupid endorsements. Once again, how much is enough to keep the Kardashian machine running?

You say that you have a brand but I still can’t figure out what it is. I get it, you make a lot of money putting your name on things. You practically own the E Network and have Ryan Seacreast on-call 24/7 as your bitch. That alone is a force to be reckoned with. I understand diversification, but you guys have really taken that to a different level. You will endorse a half eaten sandwich if there was enough money in it for you. Endorsing cupcakes, a $25 lollipop, a laser hair removal machine and Quicktrim is not at all a conflict of your brand promise. Oh, let’s not forget the Kardashian Kredit Kard…epiK (lol) failure. What is your brand promise anyway? Let’s not forget the common denominator in all of this. Having the highly lucrative opportunity to get paid to put your name on anything and everything is really because of the sex tape. There’s no debate. Please just admit that fact and you will get a lot less criticism.

Why do people kiss your ass so much? All you really have to offer is that bulbous ass of yours. There’s nothing ever brilliant or profound that comes out of your mouth EVER. Quite the opposite. My favorite phrase of yours is when you compare the decision to film your wedding for the E Channel with the struggles of a girl with cancer. Thanks to the beauty of the internet, I found the quote verbatim. Kim, it’s priceless:

“We decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life, like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She’s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.”

After your announcement of the end of your 72 day marriage, you claimed you shifted your focus to “the simple things” in life.

“I’m such a different person today, I care more about the simple things. You really figure out what’s important in life. I value time more. Staying at home, doing nothing, cooking in. It’s not all about the glitz and glamour of a relationship.”

I’m sorry, when did this shift in priorities happen? You tweeted photos of your most recent trip to Cartier in Paris, proudly displaying a wrist full of bracelets, totaling around $70k. Did Kanye get you these for the Kimbryo? Why can’t you just keep that shit to yourself? Don’t get me wrong, if someone wanted to buy those for me, I wouldn’t say no, I’m just not going to be in your face with it.

Kimbryo gift

Finally, lets talk about your fashion sense, or lack there of. I cannot even imagine what you spend on clothes, but 99.9% of what you choose are either horrible combinations or look really bad on you. Stop wearing the peplum shirts. They just do not look good on you. Also, your clothes look like sausage casings. Did you have to jump from the 3rd floor balcony while someone below was holding your outfit? If you have a stylist he/she should be fired; If you don’t, hire one immediately. The picture below is completely unacceptable. I can’t even comment.

Kim K wearing a bra shirt and a pencil skirt, sans Spanx

Also, why do you have to be so dressed up while shopping or running around in the day? You always look like you’re going to a cocktail party or wedding while Kanye basically wears his uniform of jeans and expensive sneakers. You look stupid. Furthermore, stop wearing loads of smokey eye makeup in the day and back off on the contouring. When its done well, contouring can look great. Yours is starting to look like a raccoon mask on your face.

I could go on and on but I won’t. Kim, take the money and go away. Don’t try to be some sort of ambassador, thinking you can make peace in the Middle East. Stop filming yourself in exotic locations that are $20k per night, acting like you’re just one of us. Enough is enough. Get out of everyone’s life and start being real. And a courtesy reminder to you, this could all go away when you least expect it…just saying.

Kind regards,

Mary Vaccaro