I am really tired of all the poly forums.
I mean, I love them for all they have connected me to, and all the wisdom I have garnered from everyone sharing, and heck, there’s plenty of forums and groups that have shared some of my articles. But really, I am tired of them. They exhaust me.
Why?
Well, it isn’t just the spammers who keep trying to join groups and sell discount shoes (this is actually a thing), and it isn’t just the trolls who go around trying to light fires within groups that have managed to stay fairly harmonious. Nor is it the creepy old men who randomly send me friend requests. No. It’s the endless cyclical discussions (sometimes hundreds of comments deep) that I find I often struggle with. The forums start to feel like a broken record, and I really want to change what’s playing. When you start to read (and participate in) a lot of them, you begin to see they break down into startlingly predictable categories, which I will grossly stereotype here, along with the small disclaimer that I am equally as guilty of having made most of these posts myself at different times.:
- I feel jealous and I a) don’t want to and/or b) really enjoy feeling jealous but don’t want to admit it.
- I am lonely because my partner is off on a date. Please internets, give me validation that I am not alone.
- Hey! Look! Here’s an article about sex.
- #You know you’re poly when…
- I have this difficult thing coming up where I will see an ex/family member/community person who I do not want to see. What do I dooooo?
- Hey! Look! Here’s an article about kinky things.
- Breakups suck! Virtual hugs here please!
- Ehrmagerd I’m the most poly person here, I just said this hilarious thing to my primary’s meta metamour’s husband’s lover’s dog!
- Hey! Look! This article validates everything I tried to say in that crazy long thread that got derailed.
- Why do other people do poly wrong, don’t they know my way of poly is the only right way to do poly?
- How dare you use the word rape/boob/chick/lady. I wish to exercise my privilege as a (possibly angry) feminist to tell you to remove these words from your vocabulary because they offend me.
- Ugh! Couple Privilege!
- Wah! I don’t have enough partners!
- Wah! I have too many partners!
- Hey! Look! Here’s a funny/corny poly meme/joke!
Can I summarize how I feel about some of those?
There. KISS. Keep it Simple you silly, sometimes sexy, poly people.
As much as the notion, the ideas, the ethics of polyamory give me hope for humanity, participating in online forums tends to make me loose all that faith again.
See, there’s many ways to have many loves. Each of us figures out our own way. My way is my way, and won’t necessarily be your way. Maybe our ways will be compatible. Maybe not. How about we all learn how to articulate what we want in any given moment and use our assertive communication skills to express that?
But, I digress.
One of my absolute biggest pet peeves with all the online forums I have been a part of- as participant and as silent observer- is that there is so little dialog about being Poly without a ‘primary partner’. The majority of people in these forums have a spouse or common law sweetie who is primary in their lives, so obviously their questions and responses come from that place- which is not always relevant to everyone. And that is annoying, frustrating, disheartening, and at times plain just pisses me off.
There’s countless numbers of people out there in the world doing the non-monogamy thing without having that foundational relationship. Very few of them (so far) know that this polyamory jazz can apply to them too.
There is no shortage of non-ethically non-monogamous people in the world. And I don’t like that.
Having done the non-ethical non-monogamy thing myself, let me tell you it feels shitty. It makes you feel crappy about yourself and in the end, it is actually so much easier to do this thing ethically and openly and honestly.
So maybe I’m now the poly-evangelist. But I’m not trying to tell you that may way is the only way. I really respect, and write what I do to remind everyone that there are indeed, many ways to have many loves.
I’m here singing out to whoever will hear me
YES YOU CAN HAVE MANY PARTNERS, THEY CAN ALL KNOW ONE ANOTHER, AND YOU CAN MAINTAIN YOUR INDEPENDENCE AND YOUR SANITY TOO.
Got that?
Awesome!
So, having naysayed all the wonderful forums and groups out there, I’m going to do a total backflip and tell you about a group forum worth being part of. If you love all this stuff I write, if you find yourself nodding and saying “Yes, yes, yes, I think like this too,” then go request to join the Singleish and Solo Polyamory Group on Facebook, and let’s get the conversation going deeper about poly lifestyles sans life-partners, sans primaries, sans hierarchies. And hey, even if you yourself aren’t singleish or solo, maybe you’ll like the conversations going on over there. It’s pretty cool, so far. We seem to be a fairly low-drama and on-topic bunch. So far.
Yeah. Let’s do it!
