Humor Magazine

Colony Collapse Disorder: The Latest Theories

By Japecake


“Honey bee populations have plummeted in the last half decade as worker bees have mysteriously flown off and never returned to the hives—a phenomenon now called Colony Collapse Disorder. Scientists are stumped.”—Breanna Draxler, Discovery (blog), April 30, 2013

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Formerly busy bees have lost their sense of purpose and now just play Farmville and eat Funyuns and wear sweatpants around the clock.

Bees have given up honey production to capitalize on the cupcake craze. Unfortunately, the demand for BB-sized cupcakes remains limited.

Bees increasingly reject tedious flower-to-flower collection routines in favor of 24-packs of pollen from Costco.

A drone strike, consisting of drones carrying wee picket signs and chanting anti-management slogans, throws the daily schedule of the colony into chaos. Worker bees strike in solidarity before realizing that the drones are lazy, worthless pieces of shit who do nothing but eat and screw all day.

The bees’ knees have been ruined from overdoing it on the Stairmaster. Hive activity is reduced to morning mall walks and complaining about teenagers in saggy jeans.

The bees’ buzz diminishes to almost nothing after they give up double shots of espresso and unfiltered Camels on doctor’s orders. Desperate to somehow make it through the day, bees turn to Red Bull, only to discover they lack the anatomy to open the can.

Bee dances devolve into bee mixers. Essential directional communications are replaced by backseat make-out sessions in the parking lot behind the hive.

Researchers note an alarming spike in bees texting on tiny cellphones while flying. Casualties from mid-air collisions with shuttlecocks reach epidemic proportions.

The queen stops mating and laying eggs. A week later she announces she’s a lesbeean, moves in with a dragonfly named Abigail, and takes up softball.

Hipster bees venture further and further from the hive in an endless search for ever-more-obscure blossoms. Many never return, instead taking up duct-tape handicrafts and/or the hammered dulcimer.

Impressionable, indiscreet bees are blackmailed after falling for “honey traps” set by a suspicious foreign government. Sexy enemy operatives are revealed to be hornets wearing bee masks and minuscule black-and-yellow-striped Spanx.

Bees are switching to stylish but less expensive IKEA hives made from laminated cardboard. When the hives begin to bow under the weight of a few extra books, the bees can’t make repairs, since they lost the little hex wrench that was included. The colony collapses.

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