4:13am I awake to an achy body, a dry throat, and tears running down my cheeks. Here I am again. Awaking from horrible nightmares. Body, mind & soul desperate for rest.
"When does this end?" I think to myself.
"At what point in my life will I reach mid-September & not dread the next 6 weeks? Will I ever learn to embrace the approach of October? Will I ever be able to see the good in this season?"
"Doubtful." A dark voice says. "I'll keep you here forever."
That voice is my own. A voice full of fear, full of distrust. One that only comes out to kick me when I'm down. I hate this voice. But it speaks the truth. The horrible, awful truth of my continued brokenness and the fact that I give it so much power. The reality of this voice makes me realize how desperate I am to feel God's presence and to know that He's here in the dark with me.
In the darkness of the morning, I reach out, I cry out.
"I can't do this alone God. It's not even October yet & I'm already exhausted from all the fighting."
I wait. I listen. I hold my breath fearful that breathing will keep me from hearing His still, small voice...
But nothing comes.
No peace. No rest. No strength. No assurance.
I close my eyes & cry out again. "God I cannot do this alone. I need you. I need you. I need you."
Over and over I repeat: "I cannot do this. I cannot do this"
Still nothing.
Still, hours later, there is nothing.
Exhausted & defeated I cry more tears. I just need sleep. Or hope. Or something. SOMETHING.
"Coffee." A small voice says. "You need coffee. And you need to start your day. You need to get out of bed, take a shower, and put one foot in front of the other."
UGHHHHH. No.
"One day at a time. That's what they say right? That's what you preach? So practice it. Get up, Lauren. Get up and see the beautiful day I have created. Get up and notice all the good around you. Get up and take a deep breath. You can do this."
Reluctantly I do what the voice says. I drag my tattered soul to the coffee maker and make 2 cups. One for now, one for later. I make breakfast. I sit in silence to eat and drink.
And slowly, ever so slowly the darkness lifts. My mind wakes up with the rush of caffeine, my body feels nourished by my breakfast. The shower wakes me further and the music playing as I get ready is soothing to my soul.
It's another day. Another day of life. Another day of living out God's will. It's a tough one, no doubt. And the doomsdayer in me thinks that it is probably going to get worse before November comes.
But for now, for this moment, I feel better.
I hear Him speaking Philippians 4:13 over me and I know... I can do this.
