The case of Bertha Mayorquin, M.D., frightened many parents. A court granted sole custody to the New Jersey doctor after arguing that his work with patients would expose their children to COVID-19. And Dr. Mayorquin was not alone: others reported that parents with primary custody refused visits because of the pandemic, while US Weekly fans have heard of an antibody test feud between baseball's Jim Edmonds and his ex-wife, a Real housewives from Orange County alum. The general impression that these incidents leave? That almost all children whose parents have separated live with one parent and visit only the other, and that divorced women seize the opportunity offered by a public health crisis and closed courts to deny former partners access to their children. Although some families no doubt fit this bill, experts say the narrative does not provide a complete picture of how coparents and the courts have handled school closings and home stay orders .
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To begin with, a judge made an interim order against Dr. Mayorquin late Friday in light of his ex-boyfriend's underlying medical condition and the fact that his lawyer could not be reached. It was reversed the following Monday. A Florida emergency nurse with a similar story also recovered on call within days. And many hard-working families - like that of Angelica Houston of San Jose, California - decided together that the benefits of stability and continuous interaction with all parents outweigh the risk of exposure. The father of her 13-year-old son could have asked him to stay with him full-time because Houston's husband is a firefighter, but they talked about it instead and decided to keep their joint custody 50-50.
This is what should happen, according to the judiciary. Although guidelines have not been issued in every county, many courts across the country have declared that the concern over COVID-19 is not, in itself, sufficient reason to deny parental time and that custody arrangements should remain in effect as if schools were still in place in session, unless the parents agree otherwise. In most court cases, the courts have "returned possession to the parent who has been moved by the other parent," said Susan Myres, a lawyer in Houston and president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. Lawyers Advise Clients, and Retired Connecticut Judge Lynda B. Munro Says She Can't Imagine Custodial Parents "Representing More Than a Small Minority" .
In many cases, we are even seeing increased collaboration with divorced parents who appreciate each other more than ever. "Many parents work at home and they need help," says Steven Mindel, managing partner of Feinberg Mindel Brandt & Klein, LLP in Los Angeles: "They are starting to realize that the other parent is not a bad babysitter. "
Katy Duhigg and her ex-husband Ryan Kennedy live nine miles apart in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where they also share the parental responsibilities of their 6-year-old child. "When we first divorced, we were the epitome of intense conflict," says Duhigg, but twice during the pandemic, she turned to Kennedy and his wife for support while self-quarantined. Once, she had flu-like symptoms. She then had to stay in the hospital with a sick child who had no caregiver available. Both times, says Duhigg, his co-parents did "everything they could to facilitate communication between my son and me several times a day."
Kennedy believes that the situation has not only worked for his son; it was ideal. " Having two homes during a pandemic is a big advantage, "she says. "Unlike many of his friends, he still has a good variety of experiences between our two households - one in the mountains, one by the river - and I think that helps him cope."
Stories like theirs and that of Houston reflect great changes in the lived experience of children whose parents have separated. Because national child care statistics are not yet available, Maria Cancian, dean of the Georgetown University's McCourt School of Public Policy, says that she and other economists have had to look at data from 'Individual states like Wisconsin (it's pretty representative of America as a whole and keeps good records). Her work indicates that more than 80% of the cases granted sole custody to the mother in 1986. Now all states have a law that says something like "a child is entitled to periods of physical placement with both parents when that is possible". In 2008, custody of the single mother was only granted in about 40% of cases in Wisconsin. And in 2017, 50% of children from divorced families spent more than a quarter of their time there with each parent.
The way timeshare is distributed has also changed. Courts once ordered the establishment of shared custody, such as the mother during the school year, the father during the summer, six months out of six months and the alternate months (or even years). Many families today, including LGBTQ ones, still use the model every other weekend, which was popular in the 1980s, but a significant number share time more easily with changes of residence during the week (think of dad Sundays, Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays; mom on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Saturdays) and last minute plan changes.
Nikki DeBartolo / Benjamin Heldfond
Prior to quarantine, the sons of Nikki DeBartolo and Benjamin Heldfond moved to Tampa, Florida, approximately every five nights, depending on business travel. After the placement order was issued, the couple agreed that their second high school student should maintain the same pace, but spend their class hours at DeBartolo, as their younger siblings at Heldfond are more adored than they are not. Heldfond says: "From an ego point of view, I could have reacted like," Oh no, it's my time, he's fine here, "when what was best for him was to go to Nikki's." The two agreed on the standards as well as the timetable: no friends, no cleaning women.
Of course, it is easier to deal with the unexpected in a harmonious way when you already have a strong co-parenting relationship. In October 2019, DeBartolo and Heldfond published their book, Our happy divorce, on how the choice to give up resentment made them better and more fulfilled. While they were writing it, Heldfond said, "We would argue and Nikki said to me:" Put the book in your butt "or" I am not making your book. prioritize the needs of your children? "If we can do it, anyone can do it."
As counterintuitive as it may seem, with the many stresses caused by the pandemic, this time without school, extracurricular activities and other competing demands on a child's time, he may be ripe to turn over a new sheet of co-parenting. Scarcity can lead to stiffness, but there are now more hours to go. In addition, says Bari Weinberger, head of one of New Jersey's largest family law practices, "parents find themselves in a situation where they suddenly have a lot more flexibility." Those in jobs that once required travel and time at the office can spend the morning during the week with their children for the first time.
But not everyone lives seven houses apart, like DeBartolo and Heldfond, and many essential workers are recording more hours than ever. Some family ecosystems are grappling with new logistical and emotional problems in addition to the old ones. Most parenting projects - like the one that Kelly Glass, a writer and editor living in Illinois, had set up for her 4-year-old child - are aimed at getting children from one household to another through school with one parent who gives up and the other chooses. to the top. Others use libraries or cafes as neutral transfer locations. It is no longer an option. Many are concerned about the level of exposure of the other household, particularly when a second group of children is traveling between two homes, or the risk inherent in certain types of transit. In some situations, a child's best interests compete, with physical health arguing for contact limitation and emotional well-being on the other side of the ledger.
Gayani DeSilva
Gayani DeSilva, M.D., lives in Orange County, California, with his 14-year-old son. Usually, his son visits his father in the southwest for the spring break in even years. In April, the child psychiatrist and his ex decided to put safety first and not to have it stolen, the father and the son spending time together by phone or FaceTime. But next year, instead of staying with DeSilva for the spring break as planned, he will go to his father. This is essentially what a joint March 19 statement from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers and the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts urged parents to do. "Be creative", use video chat and "give yourself some makeup time" are three of his child-centered recommendations.
Following them can produce serious silver liners. Glass, the writer from Illinois and her future ex-husband currently alternate full days. But as he is a teacher, she says, "Come summer, he'll actually take most of the daycare so I can work." Now that transitions between schools are off the table, "My son sees us all together as a family that interacts with respect," she says. "Even if it's only for five minutes at a time, I think it's really good for him."
Some parents of several children have staggered their children's schedules to allow for individual time for each. And others ... well, some stories are remarkable. Olivier Ledru divorced in 2015. When his ex-wife invited him to spend his forties with her and their two children in a French country house, he hesitated. Eventually, he joined them and the adults started walking together. With five years of growth, they decided to rekindle their romantic relationship.
Despite the inspiring nature of these stories of cooperation, many lawyers call for special attention when it comes to reworking a calendar. Of course, the judges will not smile at a parent who refuses custody. "You will see a bunch of applications filed after that," said Mindel, the lawyer for Los Angeles, and the higher timeshare parents who have been unreasonable will be penalized. But what about a parent who normally has 70% time but accepts 50-50 during quarantine? "The parent who owned the timeshare would have a strong argument to continue 50-50 in the future," says Mindel. So being flexible and giving more time to a co-parent is "risky from a testing strategy point of view, but on the other hand, from a parenting point of view, it might be the best thing for everyone" he says.
Compromises and judgments are in progress. By endangering an educated guess about where most parents land, retired Connecticut judge Munro says there is one other thing to keep in mind: "Normally, without COVID-19 , about 85% to 90% of separating parents find ways to resolve their differences [without court intervention]. There is no reason to believe that this statistic should change during this public health crisis. "
Many are surprised to learn that the most recent research shows that divorce is not inherently bad for children. What leads to negative results is having parents with a very conflicting relationship, whether they are together or separated. It's a sad truth that distant or contentious relationships remain the norm for divorced co-parents, says Robert Emery, Ph.D., author of Two houses, a childhood, but more and more people nowadays recognize that the way parents manage themselves will decide the impact of a split on the life of a child. Some co-parents remain inflexible during quarantine. But many come to the same conclusion as DeBartolo and Heldfond: genuinely cooperative co-parenting is not only the best for children; it can also improve the lives of parents.
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