Ahhhhhhhh….How glorious this quiet, sun-bathed morning is!
With a hyper-extended stint of unemployment, job-seeking and benefits behind me I’m loathed to even breathe a sigh of dissatisfaction over the all-consuming chaos that has recently taken me hostage.
I dreamt last night that I was a part of this futuristic society that was at war. Bombs were being dropped, and people were screaming and scrabbling for shelter, getting crushed under collapsing walls. I was a part of that chaos, and then I made a conscious decision to transform the fear and the panic into something else. I stopped in my tracks, the noise dimmed and vision blurred, as I settled into half-lotus and began to meditate. My last thought – an observation of the chaos, and then peace.
It’s not difficult to determine the nature of the dream, and its reflection of my life in this moment. My Pitta and Vata are high –
It would be such a shame to have invested so much time and energy, taking so many risks, to pursue an unconventional path, only to spin out completely at such an early stage of my dream becoming a reality. And that fear, in itself, is what perpetuates that spiral.
Right now, I am conscious of an unraveling yoga and meditation practice; a lack of control over diet and rest; an ever-increasing, almost debilitating need for some solitude and silence. All of these things, a direct result of this chaotic, yet necessary circuit I’m on, in order to get myself back on my feet and really make a go of this alternative livelihood.
My yoga update to Matthew is due in a couple of weeks, and a part of me is concerned about what to write. How can I observe and comment on a practice that seems to have slowed to an almost stand-still? But, it isn’t a lack of willingness, or a loss of interest behind this shift in everyday prevalence, its dramatic change in circumstances that have transfigured my daily routine beyond recognition. And these things take time to adjust to. Stamina, patience, confidence, well-being all instantaneously tested, and whatever falls to the wayside throughout these shifts, is irrelevant, its how we respond to it all, and what we learn about ourselves.
I am learning the fundamental importance of yoga, ayurveda and meditation, and what I’m willing to sacrifice and go through in order to find/create a physical, and existential space that enables and nurtures these practices in my everyday life.
I’m learning when to say no, and how important it is to guard my space and preserve time to heal and reflect. There’s no point in feeling guilty or worrying about who you’ve hurt or let down, if in meeting expectations you’re ignoring that voice inside that’s screaming for some self-love and attention.
I’m learning that it’s ok to spin out every now and again, and perhaps let yourself surrender to chaos and uncertainty. In time you find yourself naturally winding back to the path you were on, and it’s not so bad starting again if you need to.
I’m learning to not create unhappiness, or more, identify those moments that I’m generating negativity, and to step aside and watch. The more I watch, the more it dissolves, the more I understand my role in how I experience everything.
I’m learning that there’s so much more, and there always will be. That this is still the beginning, that this is still the hello to a brighter, and more honest existence, and if chaos is just one of the many ways that we make new discoveries, then why not embrace it and accept it, and let it be a part of who we are.
