Humor Magazine

Celebrity Rehab: Ke$ha Takes a Bite out of Therapy

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss
Everything that glitters is not gold. Sometimes it's Rembrandt tooth whitener.

Everything that glitters is not gold. Sometimes it’s Rembrandt tooth whitener.

Kesha Rose Sebert, known on stage and around the music world as Ke$ha, is now in rehab receiving treatment for anorexia and bulimia. Good on you, girl. We can all benefit from therapy…celebrity or otherwise. You realized you needed help and you did something about it.

But I do have a question. What is your fascination with teeth?

If you’ve watched any of Ke$ha’s music videos, you know the girl’s got a fine set of pearly whites. All the better to take a nice juicy bite out of some rather questionable lyrics, but she does it with a smile so blindingly white you need sunglasses to take the edge off the words coming out of her mouth. I admit it’s probably me. I’m too old to understand that “Tik-Tok” has any other meaning than it’s the sound a clock makes.

As in most areas of medical and scientific research, experimentation can often lead to new treatments. Seems someone working in the dental field has discovered that patients undergoing treatment for eating disorders can benefit from some intense therapy involving teeth reconstruction. Only not for cosmetic purposes.

After Ke$ha checked herself into the rehab center, she put out a call to her followers and fans to not send cards or flowers. She didn’t want sentimental wishes of good health. She wasn’t interested to know she was in her fans’ thoughts.

The girl wanted human teeth delivered so she could help work out her demons by making jewelry from molars and bicuspids.

I think I know where she got her fixation. Her dancers.

If I was Ke$ha's therapist, I'd be less worried about her and more worried about who she hangs out with.

If I was Ke$ha’s therapist, I’d be less worried about her and more worried about who she hangs out with.

Honestly. How could anyone spend hours on end staring at these visions out of a dental hygienist’s nightmare without an overwhelming urge to drape themselves in extracted teeth threaded on a 24K gold necklace? She’s been on tour with these guys. I’ve looked at this image for only a few minutes and now want to search through the attic for my daughter’s baby teeth. I, in the role of Tooth Fairy, paid good money for those teeth and it’s past time I turned a profit.

Apparently, this fixation with teeth is nothing new for Ke$ha. There’s been necklaces, earrings, rings. One of her most ambitious projects was her “tooth” bra. I can’t help thinking that’s taking Madonna’s “pointy” bra just a little too far. It’s one thing to poke someone’s eye out with your bra. It’s a totally other (and may I say really bizarre) thing to want to be nibbled on by teeth from who knows whose mouth.

Does she accept teeth blindly or does she request some sort of molar providence? Like with artwork. You check to make sure the painting isn’t stolen or a reproduction or a fake. I don’t know how you’d do that with teeth. Maybe insist that tooth x-rays are taken, with the enclosed tooth highlighted and signed off by the dentist as actually coming from this person’s mouth. Given freely without duress or the use of anesthetic. Because if you’re under, you don’t REALLY know if what you get handed while in the chair is actually YOUR tooth. Think about that the next time you’re in the dentist’s chair.

I’ve heard of some wacky therapy offered to celebrities. In Ke$ha’s case, seems she’s going to have to effect progress without the use of real teeth as the rehab center has classified human teeth as not appropriate for use in her daily crafts class. Apparently, teeth are classified as “human remains.” Spokesperson for the treatment center said, ”There is always a risk that it could be of bio-hazardous material so we are not able to bring in anything that’s real.

Too bad the center doesn't allow real teeth. They give better traction in the snow.

Too bad the center doesn’t allow real teeth. They give better traction in the snow.

If the treatment center doesn’t allow anything real, as long as they keep accepting celebrities as patients, they never have to worry about going out of business. *wink-wink*

Would you consider sending Ke$ha your extracted teeth?
Or do you want to start up your own line of dental designs?


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