Dating Magazine

Castrating Cupid

By Polysingleish @PolySingleish

 hello there. You are an amazing source of positive energy. Hence I’m drawn to you. ….I’m poly curious. So much so that I’m seeking two poly bi Fs for a triad. You said you’ve been there but that was when cpls contacted you. I’m not a cpl. I’m a single. My idea is to start by seeking a triad and then develop and grow into whatever it is or becomes. Maybe it will be a V or an N or a W or maybe some kind of box or connected set of letters. Who knows. Maybe it will be short term one or many ways or one way forever…. Anyway. I’d enjoy knowing you even though meeting is difficult due to distance

There are some messages on OkCupid that just make me want to facepalm.

So I will.

Castrating Cupid

 

I remind myself that OkCupid is run by a company called Humor Rainbow. Especially when there are correspondences like these. I replied to the guy the following:

Thankyou for the compliments. If my profile wasn’t clear enough, I’m not looking for any kind of relationship that would be fidelous- that includes a triad- whether it was with a stones throw from my home or not.

Now, I really hoped that would be the end of it. Especially given that he lives out on the east coast and IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY. But, no. He replied…

Thank you for writing. Nice to hear from you. I know you said nothing fidelous and I acknowledged that anything could happen with what I was proposing. I mean I could find someone else for the long term component and you could be someone we knew whenever you wanted.

Castrating Cupid

I cleared my thoughts for a moments. Time to bring out the caps-lock.

You decide to switch gears and reach out in search of a poly-filler relationship with someone IN ANOTHER COUNTRY? Wow. Just wow.
Do you know how *creepy* you come across as?
Dude, even if you lived within walking distance, I would not even go for coffee with you. 
Perhaps you need to do more work on your relationship with yourself.

It makes me wonder why on earth I still have my OkCupid account open.

I went through the other night and replied to messages from the last month or so. Despite the fact that I’m explicit about what I look for and what I’m not interested in within relationships, there are so many out there who just don’t seem to be able to read. Or if they can, they just don’t comprehend. And the only people who message me who are nice are either people I somehow already know, or very lovely folks just looking for more information about polyamory, and that’s okay. I like being able to direct them to further reading.

OkCupid appears to be filled with two types of people: those who can’t get a date, and those that don’t limit how many people they can date. And there’s more of the former than the latter.

There’s strange people on there, really. I will get messages that read, “I’m tired of trying to find a relationship, I just want something for right now”, and then moments later the same guy will write to me with “I am also seeking to find someone to marry. I’m the type of man who values a relationship and would love nothing better than to find my soul mate. Please let me know if you want to spark a conversation.”

Hmm. Got all your bases covered there have you?

I get so frustrated with the attitude behind a lot of these messages. These guys looking for the perfect ‘one’, or ‘ones’ to make their fairytale dream situation come true. In fact, I find the whole notion incredibly problematic: this idea that relationships have to fit into some set structure. Honestly, I couldn’t give two sh*** about whether someone is in a dyad or triad or V or W or whatever. It isn’t something I’d want to define myself a part of. You want to define relationship networks by the alphabets? Let me bring out the Runes.

obsidian

 

Actually, screw that. I need some Linear B (thanks Minoans!)

linearB

Sigh.

 

So, this is all a long way around of saying that I deactivated my OkCupid account.

It occurred to me recently that I feel really good about the relationships in my life right now.

There is no angst, no fear, no agitation, no frustrations, no insecurities. Everyone is great at communicating. We are all working on our own stuff, and we are all good at supporting one another with our stuff too. The people who have become part of my emotional landscape have done so almost without me noticing it happening. I haven’t been on any date zeros in a while now and, quite honestly, I don’t know that I’m looking for anything more.

Every relationship that has ever rocked my world has been something totally unexpected. I met Finn the same day I swore I was done with trying to have relationships- and then ended up with him for eight years. I never expected to have a wild affair whilst I was married, nor did I realize how much it would change me- yet it did. The night last summer when I found myself without somewhere to rest my head and ended up at ElkFeather’s home, I did not go there with the intention to share a night of epic passion. When I met Noel, I had no idea how much I would learn from him in such a short space of time- nor did I expect to meet someone else through him. Loki caught me totally off guard. And Orion- neither of us knew quite how intense our connection would become when we moved from being friends to friendimates and lovers.

Do I need the OkCupid bot to help me with that? Well, I’ve met some amazing people thanks to it. That’s how Noel and I connected- and without that connection, Loki and I might not have met. And through OKC I made friends with Gene, who has something of a crush on one of my best friends, methinks, and that’s pretty rad. The rest, I’m happy to let it happen organically. No more OkC for me. At least, not for now.

 

I certainly don’t feel poly-saturated in my life right now- in fact, I think I could quite happily explore more relationships. I’m just not going out looking for them. More than spending my time with ElkFeather or Orion or Loki,  I’m focusing on the relationship I have with me. That’s where every relationship starts from: the relationship we have with ourselves.

I like it the best when the universe catches me with pleasant surprises!

 


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