The LA Times recently posted an article criticizing credit card issuer Capital One (you know, that company you’re always getting junk mail from) for including some distressing stipulations in the recent contract updates it sent out to its cardholders (in a letter they likely didn’t open, because they assumed it was another offer for a line of credit they don’t want from Capital One).
According to the article,
The update specifies that “we may contact you in any manner we choose” and that such contacts can include calls, emails, texts, faxes or a “personal visit.”
As if that weren’t creepy enough, Cap One says these visits can be “at your home and at your place of employment.”
Incredibly, Cap One’s aggressiveness doesn’t stop with personal visits. The company’s contract update also includes this little road apple:
“We may modify or suppress caller ID and similar services and identify ourselves on these services in any manner we choose.”
Personally, I think the LA Times has really glossed over the creepiest parts of the Capital One contract updates that no one seems to be talking about:
1.) During these visits to your home or employer, Capital One is allowed to leave behind a hat, brooch, or other personal effect to have a legitimate excuse to come back and see you again a few days later
2.) Capital One reserves the right to send you desperate text messages at 4 a.m. after a few too many Black and Tans
3.) Capital One is entitled to show up at your house unannounced (right when Pretty Little Liars was getting good—which only happens every three episodes) using only the excuse that they were “in the neighborhood” and “wanted to see how you were doing”
4.) It is within Capital One’s right to suddenly start hanging out at your favorite Starbucks and watching you sip your scalding, overpriced beverage from the pleather chair every MacBook owner in a three mile radius has sat in
5.) Capital One is permitted to compulsively “like” everything on you post on Facebook just to get your attention, including the status updates, “I feel so sick I’d rather be dead” and “I’m so sick of winter lol”
6.) After you close your account (that was opened automatically when you mistakenly tore open an envelope from Capital One that you confused for the Pottery Barn catalog), it is legally permissible for Capital One to park outside your house and play Adele’s “Someone Like You” at full volume
7.) You’re legally obligated to answer the phone and listen to Capital One’s pathetic whining when it calls because it “just wanted to talk” or because it “missed the sound of your voice”
8.) Capital One reserves the right to compose passive aggressive tweets about your uneven breasts or underwhelming penis size
9.) You’re obligated to show Capital One what’s in your wallet, and if there happens to be a prophylactic, two movie ticket stubs, or the odd phone number, be prepared for Capital One to ugly cry worse than Kim Kardashian and Farrah Abraham combined
This is a really bad look, Capital One. This almost makes American Express seem like a viable credit card option.
—–
