I have started and stopped this post on here and in my head a million times. I have a lot to say, but I want to make sure I say it right. That I am very clear with what I’m saying and what I want to do.
Four and a half years ago I was loving life. I had 3 beautiful children and they were wonderful and growing and all was good. I found out I was pregnant with a 4th child a few months after that and I was scared, but happy. Almost as quickly as we found out we were expecting a 4th and very unexpected child we had found out that she had no heartbeat. And my entire world was turned upside down.
This isn’t the story of the life and death of my angel. I have shared that a lot. The story is here and her picture is here. If you haven’t learned about it by now, then I do urge you to go read what happened. I’m not reinventing the wheel here and don’t need to share that story all over again.
What I do need to do is bring to light the flippant attitude that some have towards loss mothers and their experiences and desire to have their children shared and remembered by those around her.
Here’s The Background On The Debate I Was Recently In
This week as I was reading at some of the pages on Facebook that I belong to one page, Banned from Birth Pages, shared a link to The Skeptical OB’s page which showed pictures of many of my friend’s babies who died in homebirth. I had already seen the link as one of my Facebook friends had shared it earlier and I had been there and commented my approval of those pictures being shared. So I immediately commented and thanked Banned from Birth Pages for being willing to share these pictures and this link because I know all too well what it takes for a woman to open up about her loss.
And then The Skeptical Mother on Facebook who I have run into before and usually end up wanting to ring her neck came on and said
I wouldn’t share a blog post that was *only* photos of babies would had died with *no story attached*. There are too many pregnant women on my page, and you can’t unsee something like that. I would not want moms- whether at home, in a hospital, having a c/section, whatever, having those images popping in their heads during labor. Nothing productive comes from that.
And that started this huge long thread of disagreement. Because The Skeptical Mother shared carefully vetted stories from carefully vetted places she feels she’s absolved and that pregnant women need coddling and protecting from the harsh reality which loss moms often want to share.
Yes I Want To Share My Baby
Shocker, I know. I have a story to tell, but because it’s not happy I shouldn’t share it because pregnant women might see it. Well, that’s how The Skeptical Mother feels anyways. Does it really come as a shock to people that I, as a blogger, want people to hear my stories? Sometimes that might include the not so good things in life.
I blog about parenting, it’s not all good. There are frustrating moments in parenting. There are hard things to see. I have shared stories of children with Cancer on here. Children who have died. That’s sad and it’s uncomfortable, but I don’t think I have ever heard anyone say don’t share your child and your story because the mom who’s child was just diagnosed with Cancer doesn’t want to hear it.
Of course she wants to hear it. It’s a new world to her. She is aware that her child might not live. But we don’t say, “Ewww no don’t share THAT.” Only when it comes to stillbirth or the death of a baby do we turn our backs. We might in the moment tell them how sorry we are, but then leave it at that.
And then when someone loses a parent, or grandparent, or even an older child we don’t begrudge them the chance to go on and share about the life of the one they lost. Remembering the deceased on his birthday. Memorials on the anniversary of her death. And we tell them how great the person was or that we’re sorry for their loss. But when it comes to babies it’s completely different. Then miscarriages and still births are often told oh you can have more and get over it. Even worse is when they say that’s disgusting and morbid, we don’t want to see those pictures.
Those Pictures Are All We Have
Those pictures are not morbid and disgusting to a loss mom. That’s assuming we have those pictures. Those who miscarry have nothing. Some get to have a headstone for their baby. I don’t have that. I have her picture. I have an ultrasound picture. I have the hat that they placed on her head. The ring they put in her hands when they photographed her. I have a blanket that she was wrapped in at the hospital. I have her footprint and her hand print and my pictures. That is all I have. No lock of her hair. No memory of her laugh. Not even a memory of her cry. Her entire life fits in one small shoe box in my closet.
So can you imagine how much it takes for me to share what I do have of her? And to then be told we don’t want to see that. We don’t want to hear that. You know what? I get it. Because right after I lost Celeste do you know what I didn’t want to see? I didn’t want to see your living babies. I didn’t want to see pictures of newborns.
I’m Not In That Place Anymore
I think it’s safe to say that especially after going on to have another baby I can handle looking at other people’s babies. When I was in that place I never told anyone I don’t want to see that. Why did I do that? Because I knew it was unreasonable to ask them to not share their joy. However, since The Skeptical Mother was so worried about the fragile state of pregnant women I felt I should point out the even more fragile state of loss moms, moms dealing with infertility, and even moms who gave a baby up for adoption, or had one kidnapped. Can you imagine how difficult it might be for them to experience seeing pictures of babies who are living? I mean if you’re going to spare the feelings of one group of women, then shouldn’t we spare the feelings of another as well?
Now I know we can’t please everyone and quite frankly I don’t really care how someone runs their page. But when they do delete and ban dissenting opinions I tend to get agitated. And when they tell me that they won’t share my baby girl if I asked them to because it might offend some I do take exception to that. Because all you are doing is making death taboo. And death is a part of life.
But after The Skeptical Mother left that thread I guess she must have talked to someone else, because the author of the book In Search of the Perfect Birth decided to join the conversation with her own brand of nastiness. There were several comments from her, but this one took the cake…
Image courtesy of Banned from Birth Pages
She went on to say much more like your baby deserves respect and if you share it your baby isn’t going to get the respect so you should only share it with those you know will respect your baby. What kind of backwards thinking is that? The only way we know someone is going to be disrespectful is if we put it out there to begin with. And how does that make it right?
I guess she thought that I still didn’t like to see pictures of babies. Ironically enough this is a woman who wrote a book about birth trauma. So her traumatic birth experiences she is aloud to go all over the internet griping about and even making money off of, but me simply saying I want my baby’s picture to be shared just like any other baby’s picture was somehow foul and I’m sick.
I do not expect anyone to eternally cry for me. I do not think my experience trumps anyone else’s. I’m very well aware that no matter how bad I have it someone always has it worse. I do not expect anyone to stop celebrating. Which is exactly why I never told anyone how their pictures made me feel right after my loss. Somehow though I do not think it’s too much to ask for the same respect when I show you my picture. Because she’s not a dead baby, she’s MY DAUGHTER. Just like sharing a picture of my other 4 children is simply me sharing my children. Sorry, I don’t want to hide my daughter. I did it for four years. I shared her as a part of my healing process. It has been a great thing. It has been received well. I don’t regret sharing it.
I do regret the likes of a woman who thinks I should only share my living children on a birth page. Sometimes, sadly so, death is a part of birth. It’s a part of every day reality to millions of women. But these dead babies are someone’s son or daughter, grandson or granddaughter, brother or sister, niece or nephew. Don’t they deserve to be shared and honored just as much as the children who have survived?
Here’s What I Want To Do
Because death has become so taboo especially in regards to babies I want to share those babies and all of their glory. Lets not put baby in a corner (did you like my Dirty Dancing reference there?). I would like to ask people to share their angels with me in whatever way you can. Whether that’s pictures or just a name and date of stillbirth/miscarriage or just that date of loss. Whatever you have to share of your angel baby. And I would like to have your permission to use those pictures on my Facebook fan page which has over 1500 fans to show our babies.
I have been tossing this idea around for a few days. I hesitate in doing this because I hate those in your face campaigns like nurse ins. But let me tell you why I think this is different. I am not trying to normalize anything. I am just trying to give people a place to share someone they loved even if it happens to be a baby that has died. I know there will always be people who think it’s inappropriate, such is life, right? But I tend to think that so many people have never seen death up close, and seeing babies is so hard to imagine.
I do think that if people take a leap of faith and really look at these pictures they can get past the death and see the person and the child who was loved. I saw it happen when I shared my own picture. People told me they hesitated to look, but took a deep breath and did it and were very surprised by what they were able to see. It wasn’t as morbid as they were expecting and they saw the tiny hat that was carefully placed on her head and the little ring she was holding in her hands. They thought of the person who carefully posed her. And suddenly it all wasn’t so hard.
I truly think others can get to this place if they would just take a leap of faith. I am not trying to force something on someone who’s not able to handle looking, but I do think people need to understand that this is not a dead baby, this is someone’s son or daughter, brother or sister, grandson or granddaughter, niece or nephew, or cousin. It’s a life no matter how short it was and it deserves to be celebrated.
So if you are a loss parent and don’t think I’m completely off my rocker here please email me your pictures, names, date of birth/miscarriage, or whatever you have to share to[email protected]. Put in the subject ‘Stillbirth Photos’. I originally planned to do this in April because that was when my daughter’s due date was, but depending on how well received this is I might do it sooner.
Please share this with other loss parents if you can. I hope you’ll participate and support this campaign to share angel babies.
Edited: While I do know that The Skeptical Mother is now opening up her page to loss parents to share their pictures I still feel that it’s important to do this. I do commend TSM for at least trying, but I truly think more can be done which is why I’m moving forward with this.
