Yes, there is such a thing—and yet I hesitate as I write this for fear of how it could influence those going through a break-up or other loss. As a psychotherapist and relationship coach who has worked with many singles and couples going through a break-up or divorce, I have found it challenging to help many of these grieving individuals to maintain their faith that things do get better with time, support, and effort on their part.
The naked truth is that we can get our hearts broken. The other part of that truth is that we can recover and move on, depending on a number of variables.
Last week the headline news included a lot of press about Debbie Reynolds and her daughter, Carrie Fisher. Following the sudden loss of her daughter, Ms. Reynolds died of a stroke, brought about most certainly by her shock and grief and her belief that her life was or should be over now that her daughter’s was. This is actually something that is fairly common among the elderly—when one long married spouse dies, the other follows shortly. It’s also common for an elderly parent to die not long after the loss of a child, especially an only child. The reason this happens in the elderly is actually quite simple—they have lived most of their life already and are looking back not ahead. Their lives have narrowed to close family, maybe a few friends—after having said good-bye to their youth, careers, many friends and family already. They are in their twilight and the only lights still burning come from these intimate others. When one is lost suddenly or even expectedly from death—the person feels as though a part of them has died, and they can’t imagine the future without them. Indeed, their short future would never be the same.
However, this same loss for someone who is much younger is very different, or should be. Yes, losing a child is the most devastating thing that can happen to a person, followed by the loss of a long term partner or spouse. The grief is the most raw and painful because this person is a central part of their lives and seen as someone who will be a part of their future for years to come. When the loss happens, they feel as though they have lost a part of themselves, yet, they still have (potentially) many years in front of them that they must live, find meaning in, and will seek a new normal for.
Therefore when someone comes in for help with grieving over a lost relationship, married or unmarried—though their grief is very real and painful, it is not the same as for a much older person losing a long-term partner. The stages of grief will be their guide, with acceptance and moving on being the last stage before they find acceptance and happiness in their new normal. It will take time, lots of support, help dealing with their anger and resistance to contemplate a new (and hopefully much better) life—which many people find, by the way.
There is life after the loss of a relationship. It will be different, and getting there will not be easy at first. However, with time and persistence—the future could be so much better than the past with that ex-partner, and you could be feeling so much gratitude over having been forced to say good-bye to that old life in order to discover the new one that has brought you much greater happiness.
