Big Regrets Pt. 1

There's honestly so much wrong with me I don't know where to start. My brain is overwheled and overwhelming, so much has happened in the past few years. Let's unpack a bit.
Audrey is 9 years old. I'm the parent of a nine year old. I've been a parent for almost a decade. It is a huge part of my identity. It has defined the past decade.
It's been just over six months since Jamie died. This also defines me, because I changed after that day. I am significantly more damaged and have significantly more work to do to repair.
Before I became a parent, life was simpler, but I see my life as two parts now. Pre parenthood and post. Pre-parenthood I was still a child myself, I was still on the up and coming, growing, there was lots and lots to explore and everything seemed endless, every opportunity seemed open, everything seemed possible. I desperately wanted this story of some sort and was trying to get it sorted out somehow. Who I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do. Back then it was partying, depression, lots of friendships, lots of time. Random jobs, burnout, no self-reflection or understanding whatsoever and issues arising but not being aware of why or how or what to do about it.
Parenting flipped my life upside down and changed all my priorities. It forced me to be a better person and do some serious self-analysis. I wanted to be healthier. Splitting up with Jamie wasn't easy but I did it because I knew it was the best possible thing for me. And it was, then I had a few extra years of messy relationships with hot young guys which I never would've expected post-parenthood. But things were still messy, I was still messy. Things started to unravel. In these past years, I've learned about autism, ADHD, neurodivergent people and self-diagnosed over the span of the last few years based upon a lot, a lot of information and various online tests. I haven't gotten around to talking to my family doctor about it, I don't feel like I need to rush into a diagnosis or getting medication for it. Johnathan doesn't think more medication is the answer for me. I don't know the answer. I take a super high dosage of anti-anxiety/depression meds every day. I smoke a LOT of weed. I was so close to starting the DBT program when a lot of major relationships started to fall apart. Up until then, I had really felt like some of my friendships were going to be forever. It was truly unbelievable to me what happened. Looking back now, I see parallels from two times in my life.
In grade nine, I was approached by friends and my family and told that they felt there was something seriously wrong with me, that they think I needed help. They said things like, I was always angry, always unhappy, and hard to be around. Soon after I saw my doctor and was diagnosed with depression and prescribed anti-depression medication. I was 14. I've been on anti-depressants ever since. It's been 19 years. Luckily, at the time I got better quick and my friends at the time were understanding and rode it out. My friend Nicole ended up being my friend all throughout high school and early college years. I still miss her sometimes, and to this day don't know why she stopped being friends with me. It was probably a bunch of things over the span of years and the distance between us made it easy to slowly cut the cord.
So this reminds me of a few years ago when I was going through a messy breakup and thinking my life was at the lowest it could be (lol) and I mourned the breakup I was going through, but really it was toxic and making me act toxic and I can't clearly testify who I was during that time but I know I must have been unbearable to be around because I was sat down by two of my best friends and told that they no longer found joy in our friendships. I was mostly negative to be around, not reciprocating in the friendships, pushing them away and self-sabotoging likely. Very unhealthy behavior I'm pretty sure. Sometimes I want to ask them again, what the fuck happened? But I don't want to be gaslit- so I stick to the facts I specifically remember. No joy. No *more* joy. And then there was Linnea.