To my last baby , who isn’t a baby anymore. You’ve saved me. You were the aid that reached down into my pit of self loathing and brought me back up to see the sunshine.
Tonight we danced together in the kitchen as I held you close as the old tunes from my teenage years rang through the house. Your laughter was contagious and soon I was laughing right along with you.
Our hearts beating to the same rhythm, same song.
It’s a miracle I even got to dance with you tonight, you had a hard time coming into this world. So cautious you were, so careful to leave my womb.
The scent of your lavendar shampoo filled my nose as I twirled you around , as if we were the only two women on earth. Our eyes fixed upon the others in a lock down stare.
I couldn’t help but imagine you spinning around to a similar song on your wedding day with your husband. Drawn to eachother in an embrace, awaiting what the future would hold.
Such hope in the positives of life, just as I am for you now my sweet baby girl.
I want you to marry a man that sees what I see in you, even now at age three.
You’re kind , and you desire what is true and just. You get upset if someone gets mistreated, and you stand up for the underdog.
You play with your baby dolls as if they were live babies. Your quality to nurture is not by chance my girl, it’s your destiny, to love deeply.
Your own children and others you come in contact with. Your heart is large enough for them all.
Share your heart with a man that values these things, and cultivates them in his own life.
Being my last baby on earth, my heart needs to rock you to sleep.
I need to hug you and kiss you often. I need I baby you a bit longer. To blow your nose for you, help you brush your teeth, and let a band aid fix your whole world.
I need you, my last baby .
With you I can say goodbye to a life I once knew in one kiss goodnight.
Soon no one will need me like they do now, so please need me. As much as I gripe to your Daddy about how much you need me, please do not stop. For when you do I fear how much I will miss it.
Please keep running through the house like a wild woman, I need you to.
Please keep asking me how many bites you have left of your chicken at the dinner table, I need you to.
Please keep asking me to hold you, because soon I won’t have anyone that needs me the way you do.
Then what? My desperate need to nourish will come in a different form. A less personal and intimate one, and I’ll grieve these moments we have now.
As I sit here in your rocking chair, you’re already snoozing away. I cannot bring myself to lay you down.
I want to keep you just like this. In my arms, with your tiny hands on my chest. Rocking you to the beat of my heart, the one that beats just for you.
If I accomplish anything in my whole life, I want it to be loving you well. So well that you do the same for the generation to come from your own flesh.
