Family Magazine

Before I Formed You , Your Parents Were Hiding in the Shower.

By Rachel Rachelhagg @thehaggerty5

I’m just gonna get straight to the point. Me and Matt dated for a thousand years, and abstained from sex. It was very hard, pun intended entirely. After we married we learned sex was our favorite hobby, but each time we engaged in this hobby we made a baby.

Babies are great, and then they grow up and you have to hide how they were formed.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

Jeremiah 1:5

New parental version :

” Before I formed you , your parents were hiding in the shower allowing the running water to be a noise maker so that your kid sister couldn’t hear what was really happening. They told you that Daddy was dirty from work and Mommy had to wash him off. They gave your sister a lolly pop and an I pad. This lie allowed your parents to make you and release some stress. You are welcome.”

Parental sex 3:69

 Before I formed you , your parents were hiding in the shower. 

We are in that season where our kids aren’t stupid. Like, there have been several occasions where our middle child has stormed into our bedroom mid romping session.

We have used excuses like these:

” Mommy and Daddy are getting ready to get in the shower. That’s why we don’t have any clothes on.”

” We are snuggling because I missed Daddy while he was at work.”

” We are having a serious talk, so here is my phone. Go watch Barbie.”

” I thought Daddy had a tic on his leg so I am checking him to make sure he’s ok. Tics aren’t good to have on your body.”

The list of lies go on and on, because I am very good at them. Let’s face it, in order to get a little action you have to lie to your children unless you really want to face the music and tell them the truth. I haven’t been ready. Until recently.

Lately our middle child has been saying things like:

” Mom, why is your bra on the floor? Were you and Daddy snuggling again? Why do you have to be naked? When you snuggle with us you aren’t naked.”

Touche kid. Touche.

The problem with living in an old farm house is that there are no locks on the doors of the bedrooms. This causes us to move around furniture to block the door, and even then the kids still get in. They have to pee, they get hungry and they do things like live.

Sex with your spouse after having children gets interesting, creative and sometimes a little sneaky.

If you do not make it a priority, it won’t happen. Let’s just be real here.

Sex holds the relationship together. Without it , you are not intimately connected. No matter what your friend Kelli says. Sex is a necessary part of marriage. It holds us together. Pun intended again.

I just wanted to share with you, dear readers that we will soon be telling the older two how babies are made. I will need support. More wine , and possibly a night away. Brown paper bags to hyperventilate in and more condoms. Reefer if you have it.

I’m about to feel so exposed. So wrong about all my lying during these years. Does that mean we can be completely honest when we close the door?

” Mommy and Daddy are going to have sex now because its been like two weeks. I will be much nicer to you after this.I’m so sorry I’ve been such a bitty today. Run along now.”

I am a horrible Mother, goodbye.

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog