Drink Magazine

Bad Movie and Drink Pairing – (this) Battlefield Earth

By Bolanrox

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/f/fb/Battlefield_earth_screencap.jpgCurrently holding around 2% fresh from rotten tomatoes comes this gem.  There is bad and there is terrible.  bad films might have some charm, in the badness, but with terrible films there are no saving graces.  For 12 long years this one held the record for the most rassies given to one film.  Just think something was that bad as to have bested this..


The Washington Post wrote, “A million monkeys with a million crayons would be hard-pressed in a million years to create anything as cretinous as Battlefield Earth. This film version of L. Ron Hubbard’s futuristic novel is so breathtakingly awful in concept and execution, it wouldn’t tax the smarts of a troglodyte.” Which sounds like something ripped from This is Spinal Tap

Sometime in the future Aliens invade earth. The worlds joined militaries are destroyed in 5 minutes.. But these are no LG-426 aliens, no these Evil greedy capitalist aliens. Like some Ferengi / Klingon / Predator mash-up.

1,000 years goes by and then the chief meanie decides to use captured humans are used to mine gold, to bribe his way back to a senators daughter or home or something. They make the mistake of putting one of them in a smart machine. So of course he gets smart, reads the Declaration of Independence (wasn’t this a Star Trek Episode?) presumably after Nick Cage returned it, and then figures out a plan to unites the tribes of earth get his revenge and get laid.

They arm themselves with guns and ammo from some place Fort Knox. Which all still function with only a small layer of dust on them. Hop into some Harrier (or were they Warthogs?) after playing MS flight simulator X for a few days. I think they borrowed CNN’s copy.

Ok now that the hard part is over, they only have to blow up the aliens home-world by teleporting a suitcase dirty bomb there and setting it off, and of course get the girl.

Notable for not only the bad dialog and horrible tilted camera angles, we also get the first appearance of the full on John Travolta “Bad guy voice” which was only hinted at in face off, but you can see again in the Punisher, and probably Swordfish… There was going to be a sequel too… The shear bomb power did save us from that though.

It was a pet project, based on L Ron’s work, and it cost Travolta a ton of his own money.. It even managed to put the production company out of business. Barry Pepper also stars and makes a bunch of gorilla like noises to communicate.. Maybe the book is better?  well it has to be better right?

OK if you have actually watched all of this movie the only thing that will work to clear your head are Several Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters slammed in quick succession while attending a Disaster Area concert. That or something from the Uinta Crooked Line Series.

Bad Movie and drink pairing – (this) Battlefield Earth

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