Authenticity
- The quality or condition of being authentic, trustworthy, or genuine.
- Of undisputed origin or authorship.
- Bringing an accurate representation of the facts; trustworthy; reliable.
Affectation
- A show, pretence, or display.
- Behaviour that is assumed rather than natural; artificiality.
- A particular habit, as of speech or dress, adopted to give a false impression.
Authenticity.
Honest expression.
Clear vision.
I’m kinda blown away by the compliments and feedback that has been coming my way lately- both from people I know, and people I am just meeting. They say first impressions are amongst the best, and apparently I come across as being genuine and authentic towards others. I quite honestly wouldn’t know how else to be!
Not that this has always been the case. Nor do I think that authenticity is some end point goal I’ve achieved. Far from it. I’m increasingly of the opinion that the achievement of perfection is a futile quest, since the definition of perfection is so innately subjective. Rather, I strive to have integrity with myself, and with all people.
I’ve become aware lately of how this integrity and authenticity relates to my quest to remain singleish. Being singleish really is a whole different mindset to get into. To quote Yoda, you must unlearn what you have learned.
There’s all kinds of ways of showing affection. Orion was describing these to me last night: gift-giving, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch. I know that my preferences are to be physical, to spend quality time, and to share words of affirmation. Gift-giving and acts of service are things I do without thinking about them too much.
Sometimes though, we feel obligated to give in ways that aren’t our style, or just don’t feel authentic for us.
For example, the first time you say to an intimate, “I love you,” there’s that scary moment of, Will they say it back to me?
Of course, people can say anything, really. What matters is what they actually feel.
Years ago I was in training for a retail management job. My supervisor coached me about giving feedback to my peers and team, and explained to me that its always good to start with “I feel”, rather than “I believe”, because what you feel is personal to you, and no one can ever invalidate that.
Similarly, in relationships, what we feel is non-negotioable. I’ve heard of a lot of poly agreements including a clause on ‘no emotional involvement with other partners’. Who the heck are they kidding, I ask myself, emotions are what make us human! If you’re having sex without any emotions, without any feelings of love spontaneously errupt inside of you, you might as well be mastrubating, really.
So in that moment of the first I Love You, should there be any obligation to speak it back?
No, there really shouldn’t, not unless it feels 100% authentic in that moment to say it. And it would be a good idea (for myself, at least) to let go of the fear surrounding the ‘what if they dont say it back’ thought.
Being Singleish, you also have to stay detatched from what such an utterance could mean. Just as a kiss is not a contract, “I love you” doesn’t mean “marry me”, nor does “come spend the night” mean, “lets have sex”.
I’m learning more and more about the need for this authenticity with my sex life.
I feel so damn lucky to have amazing people in my life. Beautiful, authentic, passionate people with whom I connect on both a physical and energetic level. It rocks. They rock. And more people keep entering my awareness who are similarly awesome, and I can’t wait to explore what that could hold. There have, however, been many instances where I’ve had sex- even with the most awesome of awesome- when it just didn’t feel totally right to do so in that moment.
Two recent experiences highlight this for me. Physical reconnecting with two different flovers who have had a strong and lasting impact on me, with whom I have had some pretty awesome mind blowing sex. And, it felt, in each seperate instance, like there was a part of each of us that was acting out of a feeling of obligation to give a repeat performance. Longing for that sweet nectar again, but trying so hard to get there that- we never get there.
Do or do not, says Yoda.
I’ve realized that for me, sex is like dessert. I don’t need to have it every day. And I can enjoy it with or without whip-cream orgasms. I can go without for a fairly long time if needs be, so long as my craving for sweetness is satiated by some tasty intimate cuddle time with kisses. And then, there’s days where all I want to do is eat cherry pie.
Most of all, I am realising that the biggest turn on for me is authenticity. Being authentic and honest-in-action according to what you are feeling in the shared moment with one another. No expectation or attatchment to pleasing, or being pleased- either through physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, or quality time- because its that attachment and expectation that causes us to put on the affectations, and the moment I sense someone’s acting out of a feeling of obligation rather than love, I shut off entirely.
When we reach that moment of authenticity in how we are in relationship to others, thats when we can really begin to discover ourselves without selfish motivations, and start the journey to unravelling who we are at our most loving core.
Post-publication addendum:
A trillion thankyous to ElkFeather who has taken it upon himself to proofread some of my posts. He pointed out to me that the types of expressing love Orion was talking about was in fact something known as The 5 Love Languages. He gently reminded me that as a good writer, I should be including these references in here for your perusal. So here it is. Thankyou both, Orion and ElkFeather!
