This past Saturday I attended the wedding of my niece in CT. I have twelve nieces and nephews, four young adults of my own, and many, many other married relatives and friends. Needless to say I have been going to weddings for years, and lost count quite some time ago.
I like to say that very few of the weddings I have witnessed have been the start of unions that ended in divorce. In fact my track record is probably somewhere between an 80-90% success rate. Pretty good, given the present divorce rate of around 49%. However, this sweet statistic has nothing to do with me, not really. Yes, we do tend to see certain patterns in families, and to be friends with people we have a lot in common with—and my background is one where divorce was frowned upon and the message was about choosing wisely because if you “made your bed, you would have to lie in it,” so to speak.
However as someone who has borne witness to many marriages from elaborately planned and lavishly executed to last minute elopements, I do have a great deal of personal experience. I am also a psychotherapist and relationship coach who specializes in working with couples, which has let me be a fly on the wall observing the traits and behaviors that lead to marital success or conflict, alienation and divorce.
I found myself really thinking about this on Saturday as I observed my niece and her now husband taking their vows, and then got to spend a lot of time with them discussing their relationship and future plans, and observing their interactions, communication, and hearing about how they worked together to pull off a joy filled celebration in the midst of their very full and challenging lives. Their love for and devotion to one another were OBVIOUS, and NO this is not how it is for every couple on their “happy” day. It’s something we sense and feel more than hear. It’s a quiet message that says I have your back, there is no one else but you—and I KNOW you are the one, and have since I met you.
Now you might be saying to yourself, well everyone feels this way, says these things, acts this way on the day they get married—no, they do not. Too often in my role as a couples therapist I have heard about the doubts, fears, concerns, and reluctance to call it off for fear of being alone, upsetting one’s family/friends, losing the wedding deposits, or some other reason. The only thought that one needs to have that predicts success is, “I can’t imagine my life without this person.”
Couples who are good friends, challenge and excite each other intellectually, and turn each other on physically, are the ones who go the distance. They are the ones who let go of the little annoyances because they mean nothing compared to all the good stuff that really counts. When they speak about one another it is with warmth and intimacy. They never ask themselves if there is someone better out there, instead they feel as this groom voiced, “You are the one I was always looking for and I couldn’t believe that you actually existed, and I was lucky enough to find you.” They know they have found their right person, and it shows in the way they look at one another, the way they speak to and about each other, and in the simple joy that is easily felt by those around them. I wish them luck and joy, though they clearly possess these already.
