But that means they do things we think are naughty...even though a lot of the time they don't realize that it is being naughty. For example, Isabelle doesn't know that it's naughty and dangerous to play with the plug sockets, to her they are just something fun and interesting looking.
And that happens a lot. Feeding the dog her lunch, pulling my glasses off (and apart), tearing a page in her book - she doesn't KNOW that these things are wrong, I have to TEACH her that these things aren't quite the correct way to behave.
But, how to go about that? I'm sure other parents get sick of constantly saying "No, don't do this...no, don't touch that, no, no no" - I know that I do. And, personally, I don't think it's good for kids. At the sing and sign class we go to, there is a song that goes like this,
"Don't wipe your nose along the sofa,
don't trap your fingers in the door.
You shouldn't, you mustn't, you can't do that!
And don't eat that biscuit from the floor!'
Personally, I hate the song. Imagine having a song for toddlers which is based on telling them what they can't do, and what they are doing wrong. It's so negative, and for such tiny people. I know the song is only light hearted, and that it doesn't really mean much, but it's just the whole idea behind it that we are constantly saying NO, DON'T to our kids which sits uncomfortably with me. I also think that overuse of any word makes it pretty ineffective and meaningless, and if a child hears no all day, they will just tune it out.
As a teacher, we get told about positive behavior management - how to encourage positive behavior to try and get the outcome we want, rather than constantly be discouraging negative behavior. And I think that that is a great way for me to parent as well. I don't want to be negative all the time, telling her no 100 times a day. Instead, I want to try and encourage her positive behaviour, by telling her when she does stuff correctly, or when she has done a good job with something. I want to allow her to explore her boundaries so that she can learn for herself when something isn't a great idea, instead of me telling her. So, I let her put stones in her mouth, and I let her bang her head on the furniture (really, she does that), and I let her do things that my initial instinct would be to yell 'NO!' to. Sometimes I tell her "I don't think that is a great idea", but ultimately I think it's important that she learns some of these things for herself. She knows stones aren't tasty, she knows that it will hurt her head to bang it...those aren't things she can learn just from me telling her, they are things she learnt for herself by making mistakes. So, I try to be positive, and I try to be patient as she learns things for herself.......
But, let's be realistic, all this positive parenting is great in theory, but if my child has her fingers half way into a plug socket, I can't not say "No!". While many things she can learn by doing for herself in a safe environment, some things are just too dangerous. And sometimes, she is just too little to be allowed to do something, or she doesn't have the understanding to realize that even if she does it, she shouldn't.
So, sometimes, no is needed. But, I don't think NO is enough. And, despite the fact that I will admit I have said it to many of my pupils in the past, the reason "Because I said so" isn't really a great reason is it? I heard a story recently about a little girl of about 10 who kept being told "Don't, no, don't touch that, stop it!" until she turned around and, rather impolitely, questioned the authority and reasoning behind those requests. The point of the story was about how shocking it is for a 10 year old to be so confrontational and precocious, but all I could think was "Good for her!".
If somebody told you not to do something, would you just stop, and accept that? I doubt it. Natural curiosity would make us say "Well...why can't I?" You would expect an explanation, and I think that explaining to little people why they can't do something is one way to get around the negativity, and also a way in which we can show them that - despite their limited years - we respect them.
Instead of just saying "No, Isabelle!", I try to say something like "Don't do that, or it will really hurt you" or "No, that is dangerous!". I know that she doesn't understand everything I say, but one day she will understand, and I think it's important for us to be set in our ways for when she does.
It can seem that it was a toddler's mission to arrive on earth simply to test your patience, and there is no denying that after saying "Don't do that, it will break the toy" four times I am more likely to just say "NO!" firmly as I run out of patience. But, I would like to think that those times are in the minority, and my more positive approach to parenting and behavior management is the normal in our house hold.
Is anyone else sick of saying 'No!' all the time? What do you do about it?
